I have been encouraged a great deal in reading one of my favorite 17th century theologians, Thomas Traherne, and want to give you a taste of his thoughts on friendship, especially regarding friendship with God. (I’ve modernized spelling and a couple words)
[Friendship is] kindness of behavior, a thorough and clear communication of souls, a secure reliance upon each others fidelity, a perfect discovery of all our thoughts, intentions, and [feelings], an ardent willingness to impart lives and estate for the benefit of our friend, the reposing of all our secrets in each others bosoms, to do all services, and suffer all afflictions, for each others sakes, to prefer the concerns of our friend upon all occasions above our own….
The greatest secret in its nature is, the mutual agreement of souls and spirits, the delight which either takes in the other, the honor and esteem they give and receive, the approbation and love of each others dispositions, the sense and admiration of each others virtues, the continual desire of being always together, peculiar ecstasy, which the beauty of either occasions in the other, when of all other treasures in the world their persons are the greatest to one another. Either is the proper element and [consolation] of the others soul. Their bosoms are the mutual receptacles and temples of each others accomplishments, whereinto they are received in all their desert, and have justice done to every degree and perfection in their nature; their hearts are thrones where they are exalted, and magnified, and live at ease, are honored [and extolled].
–though I often fall short, I want to dedicate these aspirations to Kimberly
Matthew 1:5 and Obed fathered Jesse
Obed is to me a sign of hope when hope has breathed its last, CPR hope. For some of us, like Naomi, life seems like a ragged march of crippled dreams, and we wish for it all to be over. After Naomi and her family were driven to destitution by a famine, they fled as refugees to a foreign country where her husband and both sons died. She returned in old age to her homeland with a widowed and childless daughter-in-law Ruth, and they survived as beggars. Naomi was not only at the end of her own fruitless life, but with no offspring, she was at the end of her whole family’s history. She began life full of promise–Naomi means pleasant–but all those hopes were dashed along the way, and she was tottering towards a pauper’s grave. She told everyone to stop calling her Pleasant and instead to call her “Bitter.” Her hope had burned out. Then hope lit up her darkness. In the last extreme something happened, something unexpected and outrageous–a wholesale redemption. Ruth married Boaz and gave birth to Obed.
According to Old Testament law, Obed, the son born to her daughter-in-law, was Naomi’s own grandson. In one moment her life was transformed from penniless, meaningless, and future-less into the bloodline of the Son of God. Her friends called Obed her “redeemer, restorer of life and sustainer of your old age” (Ruth 4:14,15). Grace, even last minute grace, rewrites our whole history. It does not simply counterbalance the negative, but transforms it into something great and good. That is the meaning of redemption. Take all the zeros of our life strung together, and add this one element of grace and it changes 000000 into 1,000,000. However empty and broken our lives seem, the message of Obed is that grace sweeps us into the grand scheme of God’s redemptive purposes. “Why are you cast down, O my soul? Hope thou in God.” (Ps. 42:11)
I have never called someone the ‘N’ word or turned someone down for a job interview because they’re black. I would happily sit under a black pastor or live next to a black family, in fact I would welcome it. I am open to being friends with someone of any skin color. I don’t think I am better in anyway from someone simply because of the tint of their pigment. So how can I be racist? In fact, I don’t think I could be friends with a real racist, someone who sticks a confederate flag on the back window of their pickup and tells Little Sambo jokes. If you called me a racist, I’d fight you. I hate racism! So how can I be a racist?
When I paint racism in its bold colors, it’s easy to exonerate myself. Every sin has its blatant face–a conscious, intentional, flagrant show. Pride has braggarts, anger has shouters and name-callers, impatience has shovers and elbowers. Compared to those folks, I am a saint of humility and gentleness and patience. Pride has a thousand faces, and most of them are so well-hidden that I don’t even see my own, but failing to recognize it does not make it small or harmless. If anything it is more dangerous.
Like other sins, racism comes in two types: open and hidden, conscious and unconscious, and the unconscious variety is no less dangerous. The racism I hate I find in myself when I look closely enough. I don’t want to be, I don’t intend to be, and I’m usually blind to it, but I am a racist. Racism means to privilege my own perspective with reference to race, a cultural narcissism or self-centeredness, whether consciously or unconsciously done, and I fail regularly. There are many ways of privileging my own view, and the most common is simply a lack of initiative or interest to understand and make room for the other’s view. I have also discovered in myself racial paternalism, elitism, stereotyping, disinterest, criticism, pride, antagonism, disregard, suspicion, disrespect. I have been defensive to their criticisms, dismissive of their difficulties, arrogant about my own (racially advantaged) progress, unaware of their pain and powerlessness. Forgive me. I have sinned against you my brothers and sisters.
I have come a long way in growing out of this racism, but I still have a long way to go. To be a better brother to the African American community, here are some things I would like to develop. Learn to listen more carefully and humbly to what they say, especially when I have an instinctive reaction against it. Understand their perspective more deeply and fully within its historical context. Accept their criticism of my race, taking every occasion as an opportunity for serious self-reflection and evaluation. Sensitize myself to their issues, concerns, struggles, perspectives, and values and let these inform my daily choices. Identify and appreciate their unique contributions to our world.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” C. S. Lewis
Forgiveness part 6: Grace-infused relationships
(I found my flash drive with my notes on forgiveness, so I’ll continue sharing my thoughts. So far I discussed the need for mutual understanding and self-support in relational conflicts.)
Forgiveness seems like such a wonderful resolution to any conflict… until you forgive me for a lie I did not tell or a missing wallet I did not steal. Here is the downside of forgiveness–it starts with blame. I was raised in a family that believed every conflict or pain in relationship was someone’s fault. If I feel hurt, it’s your fault or if you’re innocent, then I’m wrong to feel hurt. Someone’s always guilty. Every conflict was resolved by making the wrongdoer confess and apologize, a power struggle with a winner and loser (really no one wins, and the relationship suffers). Forced apologies are a stipend of American families: “Tell your brother you’re sorry!”
Genuine forgiveness is only one part of a whole gracious worldview with which I perceive others and relate to them. What others consider an issue of forgiveness is often simply an issue of acceptance for Kimberly and me. We offer grace to one another (patience, understanding, benefit of the doubt) without making it a question of someone being right and someone being wrong–we are both flawed and we want to create an environment where we are accepted with our shortcomings. We do this all the time in facing mild irritations—when she slams kitchen cupboards or I forget to empty the vacuum cleaner canister. But even with big issues, I have learned from Kimberly that the path of blame and forgiveness is usually a misguided diversion from sorting out our problems with grace.
Using my family’s approach, I tried in our first few years of marriage to help her see her faults and correct them (shame her into goodness), but she would have none of it–it was not her deeds but my perceptions that were faulty. She was right, we needed better understanding and acceptance, not better behavior. Love certainly inspires us to change for one another, but it is the result of acceptance, not the basis for it. She and I have unique personalities and values, fears and pleasures, histories and perspectives, so we experience the same things quite differently. This does not make one of us right and the other wrong, one better and one worse. We are learning to appreciate our differences.
JUST ‘CAUSE WE’RE DIFFER’NT DON’T MEAN WE CAN’T GET ALONG
It’s true that Kimberly doesn’t tell me lies or steal my wallet, but neither do my colleagues or neighbors usually… not even most strangers I meet. Certainly there is plenty of real wrong in the world, evil that needs to be identified, confronted, and forgiven. But to me, that is the relational ER. For most of my daily interactions I want to foster a spirit of humble and loving acceptance and understanding. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy, and Lord knows I need a lot of it.
Matt. 1:5 Boaz fathered Obed by Ruth.
Ruth was the original Cinderella. From a pagan, destitute widow she became the affluent, honored bride of Boaz and the great-grandmother of King David. Tales of rags to riches are told in a thousand tongues, and American versions come with a moral: work hard enough and every pauper can reach the palace. Whether Carnegie or Rockefeller, Lincoln or Edison, our heroes rise from obscurity and poverty to wealth and fame by their own sweat. But this is not Ruth’s story. The central message of Ruth is redemption, deliverance purely by grace.
Ruth didn’t go looking for God in the promised land, but God went to Moab looking for Ruth. When He showed up, she embraced Him and clung to Him through ten years of childlessness, the death of her husband, and the loss of her home, and in that destitution she followed Him back to Israel. Her faith was truly remarkable, but it was faith, not self-reliance or reward. Faith is simply throwing the doors open for God to come in and do His thing. And the more of God we let in, the bigger the difference He makes, though major renovations are not easy or quick or painless (ask my wife about this!).
Boaz is the “kinsman-redeemer,” a wonderful foreshadowing of the coming Messiah who would rescue the poor and broken. Boaz was rich, powerful, and widely respected, but like his coming King, he saw a penniless migrant as wholly worthy of his heart. She was not a charity-case for whom he had pity, a bride who would always feel inadequate and undeserving of his love, abashed by his greatness, self-deprecating and daunted, always working feverishly to avoid his disappointment. Rather Boaz considered himself blessed and delighted to have her. What did she bring to the marriage? Only herself… which was the one thing Boaz wanted. She filled his heart.
From Ruth’s line would finally come the promised Messiah, stepping across an infinite gap of greatness to be with the ones He loves. We are the center of His thoughts, the passion of His heart. He valued us at the price of Himself, His own life. The bond between the most loving husband and wife, of Boaz and Ruth, is a pale image of His embrace of us, drawing us into His heart until we are one. It is not too much to say that He has tied His eternal happiness to us… we can break his heart and make his heart sing. But whatever we do or do not do, His love for us never weakens or wavers because it is anchored in His very nature. We bring nothing to this relationship but ourselves, and that is what delights Him and fills His heart.
This is the unpublished conclusion to my post “The Spiritual Exercise of Shirking Duty”
I think God is telling me, “You’re going to keep spinning your wheels until you let off the gas. You’re here to learn the art of idling.”
Idleness as a spiritual goal? That sounds very wrong-headed. I spent most of my life trying to maximize every minute, sleeping as little as possible so as to make the biggest spiritual profit for God. Every activity, even entertainment, was scored on how useful it was. If I read books, it must be for my growth. If I took a vacation, it was at a monastery. Every meal with friends was to “sharpen iron with iron.” Pleasures without eternal benefits were wasteful and wrong, and slowly every simple joy was twisted into a duty. I was driven by the fear that God valued me for what I did for him, and it was never enough.
My beliefs have changed, but the shadow remains over those natural delights that would ordinarily bring me pleasure. When I try to simply enjoy reading, writing, music, hiking, gardening, wood-working, and the like, this imperious gravity pulls me to turn each one into something productive, cutting off its wings and tethering it with a burden of obligation. Since last winter my only sure escape has been solitaire, not because it is especially fun, but because it is especially profitless, and so I can’t use it for brownie points with God. While shuffling cards, I’m doing nothing good for the world; I’m just killing time. And as I’ve learned to trust God’s grace there in the middle of that uselessness, I have discovered pure grace, not “grace” in exchange for my good efforts.
DUTY: LOOKS GOOD, BUT TIES ME IN KNOTS
How can I rebuild my life around the joy of being who God created me to be instead of the slave-driven motive of duty? As long as I keep believing that God loves me more when I do more for him, and less when I do less, I can never find rest in his grace. To truly discover the riches of God’s full acceptance apart from my profitability, I may need to become more useless still in order to set my faith free from its false grounding in my own goodness. “The foolishness of God is wiser than men.”
GOING OUT ON A LIMB OF FAITH
At the time of my last post, I was finishing up my work for the school year at Lynchburg College library. I get furloughed during the summer months, which punches holes in our finances. Even when I am working, I don’t make quite enough to cover our basic expenses, so our savings are slowly dwindling. I applied for numerous summer jobs, but no one was interested. Three years ago I started a lawn service to try to cover the summer deficit, but I discovered that putting out flyers got me very few customers. Though I really enjoy yard work, I hate–really hate–sales, and in order to get customers I have to sell myself (the most loathsome form of marketing to me).
Being depressed gives me no energy for that kind of entrepreneur activity… or for most other things that are needed in this world to sustain life. I enjoy my library work, and it gives me a distraction from depression. Now I wake up every morning miserable, and though it doesn’t improve my feelings, I have fallen into the habit of doing house projects to distract myself. Hey, if there’s nothing I can do to make myself feel better, I may as well get stuff done.
But for the last few days, it all seems so pointless. Why should I pull the weeds or repair the rocker or wheelbarrow when neither the work nor the results give me pleasure? My active depression actually pushed me to work on projects just to help me get through the day, but for the last three mornings, I have not woken unhappy. So I still have very little energy, but now even less incentive… not that it matters. Nothing really matters. When life is reduced to simply finding the least painful way to survive each day, what is the point?
Today is our anniversary. Since I come home from work after Berly is in bed, I was able to do some shenanigans to surprise her in the morning. She woke up Wednesday to banners draped from the rafters reading “BERLY IS THE BEST”. On Thursday she found a 3 foot paper flower I had made and a love poem. This morning she came downstairs to see an 8 foot tall card I made her covered with a list of her attributes. Here’s a snap of the card and the ten page list of attributes follows (I could have written hundreds more)–hey she deserves a lot more than a giant card! I spent some time this morning selecting a few of her good points and expounding on them to her. I was thinking to myself, “Hey, she’s married to me, so that wealth of goodness is all mine too!
“A few of the hundreds of reasons I am glad you are my wife”
CAPABLE, ENDURING, FORBEARING, FORGIVING, GENTLE, LONG-SUFFERING, MEEK,
MILD, PERSEVERING, PERSISTENT, SELF-POSSESSED, SERENE, TOLERANT, TRANQUIL,
UNDERSTANDING, CONSIDERATE, CALM, COMPOSED, EQUABLE,
KIND, TEMPERATE, CONSIDERATE, RESPECTFUL,
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
MILD-TEMPERED, ACCOMMODATING, VALOROUS, ATTENTIVE, BENEVOLENT,
GLADDENING, COMPASSIONATE, KINDLY, MINDFUL, OBLIGING, SOLICITOUS,
SYMPATHETIC, TACTFUL, TENDER, LEVELHEADED, TENACIOUS, THOUGHTFUL,
UNSELFISH, WARMHEARTED, UNCRITICAL, UNDEMANDING, UNHURRIED,
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
DISCERNING, STABLE, STEADY, TOLERANT, FORGIVING, UNDAUNTED,
MERCIFUL, MILD, DILIGENT, STEADFAST, AFFECTIONATE, VALIANT,
APPRECIATIVE, BENEVOLENT, CARING, CONCERNED, EARNEST, EXPRESSIVE,
COMPETENT, FAITHFUL, LOYAL, SWEET, THOUGHTFUL, GOOD,
COURTEOUS, FRIENDLY, PERCEPTIVE,
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
GOOD-HEARTED, GRACIOUS, KINDHEARTED, LOVING, STRAIGHTFORWARD,
TENDERHEARTED, CONSIDERATE, RESPONSIVE, CONSCIOUS,
PEACEABLE, ENCOURAGING, HEARTENING, COURAGEOUS, INSPIRING,
ADMIRABLE, DELIGHTFUL, ENGAGING, ENJOYABLE, GRACEFUL,
DAUNTLESS, REFLECTIVE,
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
LIONHEARTED, STRONG, BRAVE, PEACEFUL, TRUE,
VALOROUS, HOPEFUL, SELF-RELIANT, SELF-SUFFICIENT, TRUSTING, WISE,
INTELLIGENT, TOUGH, REASONABLE, ASTUTE, AWARE, CAREFUL,
FRANK, CONTEMPLATIVE, INSIGHTFUL, PRUDENT, SENSIBLE,
TACTFUL, SOFTHEARTED, ATTENTIVE,
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
SUPPORTING, AWAKE, GROUNDED, RECEPTIVE, SENSIBLE, CLEVER,
ABLE, BRIGHT, DEEP, GIFTED, TALENTED, COOPERATIVE,
TRUTHFUL, CANDID, ABOVE-BOARD, AUTHENTIC, CONSCIENTIOUS,
DECENT, DIRECT, EQUITABLE, GENUINE, INTUITIVE, HONORABLE,
INGENUOUS, OBLIGING, OPEN, PLAIN, REAL, RELIABLE,
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
SINCERE, STRAIGHT, STOUTHEARTED, TRUSTWORTHY, TRUSTY,
UNFEIGNED, DIRECT, GENUINE, GUILELESS, UNCONTRIVED, UNPRETENTIOUS,
DEPENDABLE, COGNIZANT, RELIABLE, SOLID, SIMPLE, MINDFUL, THOROUGHGOING,
LOYAL, RELIABLE, CONFIDING, CONSTANT, ENDURING, HONORABLE, STEADY,
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ACCOMMODATING, SOUND, AUTHENTIC, REAL, SOUND, STERLING, UNADULTERATED,
UNALLOYED, UNVARNISHED, PRAISEWORTHY, GENUINE, PROFOUND,
CONSCIENTIOUS, FORTHRIGHT, GUILELESS, COMMISERATING,
RESPONSIVE, SENSITIVE, SOFT, SUPPORTIVE, SYMPATHIZING,
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EMPATHIC, RESOLUTE, HARMONIOUS, LISTENING, ACCEPTING,
ATTENTIVE, INTERESTED, OBSERVANT, ACCEPTING, DEPENDABLE,
AFFIRMING, TRUSTING, RESPECTING, AGREEABLE, EMBRACING,
COMPANIONABLE, SUPPORTIVE, ENCOURAGING, REASSURING, COMFORTING, GROWING,
DEDICATED, HARD-WORKING, FAITHFUL,
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
PURPOSEFUL, DETERMINED, ENGAGED, INDUSTRIOUS, UNFEIGNED,
SOFTHEARTED, SHARING, INTIMATE, PRINCIPLED, CONSISTENT,
UNBREAKABLE, BROKEN-HEARTED, EMPATHETIC, UNDEMANDING, WELCOMING,
WOUNDED HEALER, OPEN-HEARTED, WILLING, COMFORTER
AWESOME
Janathan Grace Reflections 