Let Me Be Weak   1 comment

I feel depressed today, I’m not sure why.  No doubt a combination of things–overcast sky, reading back over my journals from years past, not having the distraction or rewards of work (I’m off this week).  I have done little personal processing over the last 6 months, especially recently with life going so smoothly that I am not forced to face and work through my baggage.  Perhaps it has been a needed break from the usual emotional storms of life, but that calm can trick me into thinking that I am suddenly stronger and not rather that the waves have died down for the moment.  Whenever the winds strike up again, I am surprised at my own fragility–my quick fears or reactive anger and defensiveness. 

Most of my life I was not fragile at all.  I was the strong, courageous one, and others were weak and insecure, leaning on me for support (or vying with me to be the rock).  I did not know that my intense fear of inadequacy drove me, that I dashed into danger to flee this greater terror, that my invulnerability was not a mark of courage, but of cowardice.  People cannot understand how emotional fragility, acknowledging and embracing my vulnerability and weakness, can be a mark of growing maturity and strength.  Many old friends and even family members wish I were my “old self,” that I would be “strong” once again as I was before, that I would handle my feelings as I once did.  They think that when I listen and respond affirmingly to my emotions I am being controlled by them.  I find myself put in the strange and difficult position of insisting on being weak.

One of the most common expressions of this dynamic is when friends try to talk me out of being depressed, try to encourage me till I feel better, insist that I think positive thoughts until happiness returns.  But I find that depression is always telling me something important, that it has some deep truth it is calling me to discover, and if I have the courage and energy not to run from my depression, but to embrace it, listen to it, dig deeper into its secrets, then I find new life flowing into my soul.  “When I am weak, then am I strong.”

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Posted November 23, 2010 by janathangrace in Uncategorized

One response to “Let Me Be Weak

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  1. I love this. Befriending your sorrow, smiling in recognition and acceptance on those parts of yourself others feel are “weaknesses”. I am reminded of the verses: blessed are the poor in spirit for they will see God, blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth. I know that it also says blessed are the sorrowful for they will be comforted. But often there is no comfort. I think that the sorrowful are blessed because they will find depth and meaning and a profound beauty at the core of life seeping up from somewhere unknown. Not a light in the darkness, but something ancient and moving in the darkness itself. May you find the touch of my heart on yours in your darkness.love from Mardi

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