If God Is Here…   4 comments

Most evenings before supper Kimberly and I light some candles, listen to a word of grace, and invite God into conversation with us.  Tonight I told him frankly I don’t know how to include him in the quagmire of my life.  All through the day I talk to him and wait on him, but hear no answers for my doubts, feel no healing for my pain, see no clarity for my path, find no energy for my tasks.  When I bring God my suffering and weakness and lostness, why do I find no comfort or strength or direction?  Why does he leave me sunken in misery?  Faith grows haggard without tokens of hope.

I wrote that paragraph last night and sat thinking for a long time.  If God is not in my life to fix me, then why is he here?  Somehow, all my theology seems to circle back to relationship… where it should start in the first place.  It took me years to learn this with Kimberly–what we both need from the other in our brokenness is compassionate presence, not problem-solving.  But God is different from Kimberly–she can’t fix me but he can.  He knows exactly what I need and how to provide it.  So why doesn’t he?!  oh… maybe he does… maybe what I truly need is his compassionate presence.

This is so counter-intuitive for me.  If he loves me, doesn’t he want to remove my pain?  If he can heal me and doesn’t, is he not callous and unloving?  Imagine a doctor with wonderful bedside manners who refuses to cure his suffering patient.  And perhaps here is the answer to my riddle.  When I treat God as my doctor, I forget he is my friend, my dearest friend who holds my broken heart in his tender hands.  My focus locks on my disease instead of our friendship.

I woke up this morning with a nameless dread which slowly distilled into a sense of the pointlessness of my life, and a fear that nothing will change.  What did I do this week?  I stained the wooden borders around our yard, but in a couple of years I will have to do it again… and to what end?  I exercise, clean, shop, cook…  a meaningless round of repetition.  I enjoy my job in the library, but what difference does it make in the world?  Well, it provides me a salary so that I can repair  appliances, buy groceries, pay bills… and then do it all over again.  When will I find real purpose and direction for my life, something meaningful?  As I lay in bed, the thoughts of last night drifted into my mind.  So instead of asking God for a fix, I simply shared with him my anxiety.  In the end, what if the great purpose of my life is not something, but Someone?

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Posted November 29, 2012 by janathangrace in Personal, thoughts

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4 responses to “If God Is Here…

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  1. #4
    This is a beautiful song. I hope it encourages you.
    You Make Beautiful Things Out Of The Dust by Gungor

    I have an encouragement blog you might want to visit. You can read my personal story by going to CATEGORY and scrolling down to MY BRAIN TUMOR STORY
    http://weepingintodancing.wordpress.com/

  2. Thank you letting me in on your conversation with God. I needed to hear this today, as we leave the PH to come back to the USA on Sunday.

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