HOLDING IT TOGETHER
Yesterday I was so sick at heart I felt nauseous. Life does not make sense to me right now. My last few blogs show I am oscillating between anger, faith, sarcasm, acceptance, doubt, misery, hope… the only constant is depression, which drains my energy and darkens my outlook. What used to restore my spirit no longer works. “Happiness is a choice,” they say. Balderdash. You can decide your actions, and to some extent you can direct your thoughts, but you cannot pick your feelings like a vending machine treat. Some folks find cheer in thankfulness or service or friendship, while others find comfort in meditation or nature. You can keep an eye out for happiness, but it may not show up at any of these stops. I don’t control it’s schedule. I can only wait for it.
For some years now I have found consolation in discovering and working to heal my soul’s wounds, but I cannot get at the root of my current turmoil. That process simply doesn’t work for me now. Kimberly and I have also solved our conflicts by talking through our issues, but since we can’t make sense of what we are going through now, that approach doesn’t work. When my emotional energy is dragging, I don’t have enough flex in my shock-absorbers to cushion the bumps, so I’m easily disheartened or hurt or agitated, and Kimberly feels it more sharply because she’s also deflated. The proverb “as iron sharpens iron” has been profoundly true of us through the years, but during this season it seems often to be “as iron notches iron.” We need to find a new way of supporting ourselves and one another. I know we will find a way, we always do, but in the meantime it is painful and discouraging.
Janathan Grace Reflections 
I have had similar experiences with being unable to control the schedule of periods (some, quite prolonged) of darkness. I’ve had friends tell me about the power of various Twelve Step programs, about taking things “one day at a time.” What I have found, especially with my Bipolar Disorder, is a necessity yo take things one hour-or even one moment-at a time. The recognition of the need for communication is a tremendous advantage. It seems as if you have found yourself an incredible “keeper,” sir.
Thanks for reading and for the encouragement. Yes, she is a keeper! But when we’re both worn out, we don’t have much to offer each other. We’ll figure it out in time.
Janathan….I so relate. I find myself in this place often. There seems to be only 3 things that break it: prayer from others (especially warfare prayer), biblilcal community that loves and supports and gives grace upon grace, and carefree timelessness. I’ll be praying you get all three. Peace to you and your beautiful wife.
Thanks for reading and the encouraging words, and especially for your prayers!