Today is my eighth day at work without a break and, unfortunately, the first day of our annual paint sale that brings out the hoards. Old timers tell me there will be long lines of impatient customers as we all work madly to mix the colors. This is not my idea of fun. Performance expectations are my kryptonite. When there are only two customers waiting for me, I begin to grow anxious and tense. I dash from one station to another–product shelf to paint mixer to shaker to dryer, prying open one can while tabbing on the computer for another. I tend to make mistakes, which cranks up the volume on my anxiety, and my self-condemnation meter starts to vibrate.
So here I am preparing to go to work, knowing my core issues will be flayed for the next eight hours. I hate that my only path to greater health is an emotional gauntlet right smack through the middle of my issues. I’d much prefer to avoid them–get a less demanding job for instance. I’d rather read about how to overcome them in a book, and even take a test. I’m a good test-taker. I’d probably score 100%. Why is it always on-the-job training I need? At least if I could get a breather to center myself… but taking a break while long lines wait for my colleagues would only make me more stressed. And, Lord, don’t over-estimate my capabilities–I’m not ready for someone to call out sick today!
It seems the challenges to my issues keep pace with my growth, always one step harder. My prayers as I flail in the rising waters of customer frustration devolve from, “help me be peaceful” to “help me just survive” to “Help!” If maintaining my peace is an “A” for the test, then making it through without growling in self-defensive anger may be a passing grade? I’ll take what I can get at this point. The wise teachers try to calm me down by saying, “It’s all a process.” Yeah? Well, so is drowning!
May you all have a blessed, trouble-free day… at least may it be better than mine.
Janathan Grace Reflections 
I wanted to send you a picture of a kitten hugging another kitten. Or of Frodo and Sam holding each other on the final rock of Mount Doom…. but this blogging system doesn’t accept image comments. So just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers….. .love and hugs
If you swim against the current, you will perish. It is just too exhausting. You must either go with the flow or swim sideways to get out of the riptide. Life is not a contest. gf
I totally understand what you are saying. Thank you for expressing your feelings.
So are you on day 9 without a break and in the midst of the marauding hordes still? Or have you gotten a day to breathe? You said it was the first day of the paint sale; does it go all weekend? sending you more thoughts of love today. I can really relate to the workday with way too much to do and rushing in multiple directions at once. I’ve never found any good way to get through it. Just put my head down and power through, not trying to think through anything – just get it done. Hope you get a break soon.
Yes I was off today. The sale goes for two weeks. Apparently the advertising didn’t get enough attention because we weren’t busy. So we’ll see how it goes. I need opportunities to grow into the challenges, so its all for my good, I think. Just not pleasant.