I have posted very little about my internal journey for some months because I was too stressed, anxiety having blanketed my depression. This summer I was dragging myself along,step by shaky step under this heavy weight when school attacked me like a bear. I ran for my life, but as I got away from the bear, the weight returned. Where did all that extra energy come from and where did it disappear to again? Why can’t I manufacture an adrenaline rush, live hopped-up all the time sans anxiety… pretend there is a bear I am fleeing, but a friendly bear that doesn’t make me anxious… oh, I see why that doesn’t work. I guess fear is not a good antidote to depression, though I appreciated the diversion.
It rains here all winter long, so seasonal affective disorder (weather related depression) is a common aspect of living in this area, but it has little impact on me simply because my depression is deeper than that. One must have pleasure in the sun for its absence to be missed. It may be a contributing factor, but not a major one. A much bigger factor is my lack of close friendships. In an email reply, I told a friend he was the last close friend I had. That was 13 years ago. A recent study determined that lack of social connection was the number one variable in predicting early death. But it is hard to find meaningful connections in our fragmented, mobile society, especially for men apparently.
So my heart goes out to those of you who are lonely, struggling, shuffling cautiously through a dark and foreboding world. Know that you are not alone and that I for one am deeply sympathetic to your plight. For some of you, getting out of bed in the morning is a greater step of courage and faith than others need to skydive or perform on stage. May you feel God’s loving and caring heart today.
Janathan Grace Reflections 
Thank you for sharing so openly about this. Nor are you alone. May God bless you on this curiously lonely, dark, and frightening path—walked by so many great men and women of faith. Love and prayers and fellowship, Lisa
One day it will make sense. In the meantime we do the best we can to walk the road that we find before us. Pain is a miserable, but very effective teacher. We grow deep.