ME: Here we are half way through May. I slept well as my body was catching up on the previous night’s short sleep. I woke up in a better frame of mind also and the sun is shining. I wanted to touch base before I did billing (which is 2 days late on my schedule). I feel apprehension, partly because the billing is “late,” partly because I am not sure about insurance codes for my clients, but also a vague anxiety that often hovers around me… ah, Mitts just jumped up in my lap… that helps!
Maybe the anxiety arises from fear of not doing enough or getting overwhelmed. From that angle, it feels like maybe trusting you to care for me might be an answer. That has always been hard for me because I was taught that I have to “be responsible” and do my part or things won’t work out, and that flop will be my fault. I was taught that you are “not going to do for me what I can do for myself.” But I can never be assured that I am doing all I can because I was always “encouraged” how to do everything better. It was never quite good enough and could always be improved. I so want to just relax into trusting you fully. Please help me with that because I really struggle.
GOD: I hate that your dad had such a weak grip on my grace that he undercut your own faith in me. I hate to see you suffer like this, but I understand why you would. How could you not fear your own inadequacy and my insufficient grace after his influence on your soft, sensitive heart. I just want to keep sitting with you in genuineness so that we can slowly get to know one another and trust one another more deeply. It’s a lot to overcome! I am always sitting here waiting for you with my heart full of love. It is impossible for you to get it all right, and demanding that of yourself is torture. It’s tragic that my grace feels to you so dependent on you getting it right. If anything my grace flows bigger when you get it wrong. That’s the whole point of grace! It’s for those who screw up! You can’t come short of my love. My love is always deeper than that, infinitely deeper. Some of your stumbles might limit our bond, and that is sad to me because I miss you and because it hurts you, but that could never limit my love. And when you get it “wrong” as you suppose, my love grows even bigger, I care more for you because of the difficulty and hurt this brings you, I want to pull you even closer to myself. Mitts is the symbol of my love for you.
ME: I want to just embrace the moment, but I still feel anxious.
GOD: Of course you do! How could you not! I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I’m here to talk when you need me. I love you!
Janathan Grace Reflections 
Amazing; thank you so much! This anxiety to perform reminds me of a movie I just saw on a plane two days ago called, The Iron Claw. It is an absolutely tragic story, but the redeeming part of it is to better see the folly, the silliness, and the deception of our idols.
Hmm. I’ll have to check it out