Scary Truth   1 comment

I love this photo.  The truths most crucial for my transformation are inevitably the truths that awaken me to my own personal terrors.  I find I cannot grow in freedom, understanding, acceptance, relationship and other facets of genuine spirituality without facing my fears.  To rescue me from my fears, grace leads me into them, or as John Newton sang, “‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, And grace my fears relieved.”  Courage is gained slowly, one step at a time, and if I brave too much, more than my soul is ready to bear, I get knocked back a few paces.  We must be gentle with ourselves, have compassion for our quaking spirits, take things slowly and with as much patience for ourselves as the God of all grace has towards us.  Yet I must also find a way to pacify my tremulous soul, to discover the power of that truth which is embraced, trusted, fought for… truth about my wounded self and my infinite worth in God’s eyes.

When I step towards my fears, uncover them and open myself to feel them, to understand their deep hold on me, they increase and seem to gain strength.  I try to face them with a spirit of self-compassion and faith in God’s love, but I can only take so much stress before my courage wavers, and I need to take a break from the battlefield, withdrawing for a time from people and situations that provoke my fears–fears of rejection, inadequacy, shame.  I keep whispering the truth to myself and my trusted others until my faith is renewed enough to speak truth once more where it is unwelcome, resisted.  It is my truth.  You do not have to agree with me or consider this the right way to live your life (or even that it is the right way for me), but if you cannot trust me with my own life, then at least trust God with my life, in spite of my wavering steps, to draw me by grace along the way of growing integrity and harmony.

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Posted March 11, 2012 by janathangrace in thoughts

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One response to “Scary Truth

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  1. Yes… it is so important to acknowledge to ourselves and others the fact that taking these courageous steps to freedom actually leads to the very things we are afraid of….that our reward for stepping into our fears very often seems to give them strength and the consequences are painful. We don’t get a “get out of jail free” card for being courageous. We often get the very ridicule, judgment and rejection we always feared we would if we were honest. We feared these things for a reason! I mistakenly believed that if I ever stepped out of my fears, my growth would prove that my fears were unfounded, and I would feel wonderful and automatically free. But you have helped me stick with this difficult journey, Janathan, with a deep encouragement that doesn’t ignore the fact that sometimes the result of taking growth steps is pain and reinforcement of fear! But if I know that and stick with it, I can bear it until my soul does catch up and become less shakey. And it does… I used to tremble repeatedly throughout the day as I spoke my truth. But with your belief in me and my own self-care, I retreat to a compassionate space when I need to, and then have the courage to do it again.

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