Shadow and Light   Leave a comment

In the Shadows

I was pushing my grocery cart slowly down the aisle this afternoon when I felt my soul stabbed.  This was one of those emotional spasms that spring without warning or excuse… sudden and sharp, making me feel physically ill or out of breath or as though I need to double over and grab my stomach from a knifing.  When your psychic energy is chronically low, even small things can cause a short-out.

Just now as I write, I stop to recall my shopping and identify where I got jumped.  At the entrance to Food Lion, I picked up the sales leaflet and wended my way through the produce and baking sections, making the cheapest selections and asking with each item, “Can we do without this?”   My conscious mind was sorting through ounces and labels, but down below that, economic claustrophobia started squeezing my heart.  Then I saw the ground beef.  After 5 p.m. meat is marked down, sometimes as much as half off (depending on how old it is).  At a 50 percent discount, hamburger was still $2 a pound.

That shock connected viscerally to my concern over whether I can make enough mowing lawns this spring and summer, whether it really was a good financial choice to buy a truck and mower (what do I know about lawn care anyway?!), whether Kimberly or I might have some major medical issue now that our health insurance has lapsed.  These worries intermingle with fears of inadequacy, poor planning, stupidity, limited energy… a hundred whispered concerns babble in the backroom of my mind, and when I don’t recognize the source of my anxiety, it is difficult to calm the muttering.  At least now I see what the clammer was about.  Why the fear?

I know God can be trusted, but living involves my (faulty) input.  It seems that however good and great God is, I can screw things up, make bad decisions, miss a turn.  God has his hands full to keep me from driving into the guardrails, and I never know when God might see fit to let me “learn my lesson.”  I tell myself that God is not like that.  He is full of grace and patience and protective care.  And I believe it… mostly… for now.  I snuggle up next to my wife, scratch my dog’s ears, and find the shadow lifting.

Light in the Woods

Light In The Forest

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Posted March 12, 2012 by janathangrace in Personal

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