Be Honest Or Be Good?   1 comment

Following the great literary tradition of Dr. Seuss, someone coined the phrase “Fake it till you make it,” meaning that if you can’t do something good from the heart, do it without the heart until the heart catches up.  If you hate someone, smile and be nice anyway.  If you are frightened, affect a bold, unflinching attitude.  If you are upset, act as though you are calm.  Fake it.

Pretense never appealed to me. I take the honest approach.  If I hate someone or think he’s stupid, I let him know it, scowl at him across four lanes of traffic or shake my head in pity.  There’s a reason I don’t have any Jesus bumper stickers on my car–it would be false advertising.   “Receive Jesus and you can be just like me” has some major shortcomings as a marketing strategy.  To be honest (I’ll try to stick with that), I’ve noticed that when I force a smile through clenched teeth, and he smiles back, good happens, a sliver of peace accidentally slips down into my heart and relaxes my jaw.

Or not.  When I try to stuff the bad feelings and force myself to be virtuous, it doesn’t work so well.  I wrestle down my aggravation over this lane-hogging driver… and the one who dilly-dallied till I missed the green light… and this guy who parked so crooked I can’t pull in, and each time I push down the bubbling anger, it comes back up hotter.  Putting a lid on it can make things boil over.

So which is it–does it help or hurt to act good when I don’t feel good?  Why does positive behavior sometimes pull my reluctant heart along and at other times trip it up?

For me, it depends on the impetus.  When I choose to do good in a way that seems to devalue and override my feelings, it turns radioactive.  When I give grace to others by denying it to myself, it poisons me.  In fact, I don’t think it’s real grace.  Picture grace as electricity–I am the cable, and God is the generator, and when I cut myself off from grace, I also cut off those who receive it from me.  Being only the wire, I can’t crank grace out on my own, especially not from legalism (which is the impetus if I am moved purely by obligation).  Or to say it without wires and sparks: I cannot shame and fight my feelings and then hope to be accepting and generous towards others.

Here is how it plays out for me in two traffic scenarios.  First, under law.  I try to clamp down on my irritation by “shoulding” on myself, forcing down my feelings.  Legalism makes me very conscientious as a driver–I don’t tail-gate, I let others merge in front of me (one car only, thank you), I don’t hold people up at traffic lights as I text on my phone.  I work hard at it because my self-worth is tested daily, and I have to pass every section, even the driving part, to get my human license re-validated.  If God’s keeping a scorecard, I can’t afford to make mistakes, and If I can’t have excuses, neither can you.  It’s a tense way to be a driver… and a husband… and an employee… and a neighbor… and a human.

Grace only has room to flow in when I change the game from whack-a-mole to save-a-mole.  I decide to accept myself and others with our mistakes instead of trying to beat out the faults till we deserve acceptance.  Instead of saying in my head, I drive right, so you must drive right, I say, I make mistakes, so you may make mistakes.  Now this is not a new equation of fairness on a different standard as though I am saying I will allow you as many mistakes as I allow myself, but if you cross the limit, I’ll whack you.  Grace is unlimited.  It is no longer based on fairness.  Whatever I need I get and whatever you need you get.

But what if it goes past mistakes into meanness–she is deliberately unkind.  Then grace takes the form of forgiveness, and since I need a lot of that too, I want forgiveness to be woven into the ambiance of grace in my relational world.  I’m not suggesting a world without boundaries, leaving us defenseless.  But walls are not weapons, so personal boundaries are not a conflict with grace, but a concession to our limitations.  In fact, boundaries are a form of grace to myself, providing support for my weaknesses and security for my fears, and only then will I have the resources to offer grace to others, even to trolls, who are no less deserving.  None of us have merit badges–that’s why we need grace.

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Posted March 3, 2014 by janathangrace in thoughts

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One response to “Be Honest Or Be Good?

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  1. I’m finally getting the hang of this blog stuff and, as always, am amazed at your depth of thinking and power of expression. I’ve just read the last 10 blogs, so this applies to (almost) all. But also it is painful to feel your pain. It’s amazing to see you pursuing the giving of grace as energetically as delighting in receiving it.. God make me a grace-giver…I can’t figure out how to send this .. please email me if you received it……

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