Who’s Asking?   4 comments

Prayer and I have had a very long, intense, conflicted relationship over the years.  I have asked God, weeping and begging, shouting and pounding my fist against the floor, for requests from His own wish list–healing, reconciliation, deliverance,  guidance–and more often than not I’ve come away empty-handed.   Am I not praying enough?  Do I lack faith?  Is it not His time?  Do we not deserve His intervention?  Where are you, God?

What’s the point anyway–if God is all wise and all powerful, why tell Him what we want, especially since He is also all good and will do what is best regardless?  It’s not like He needs my advice about how to run the world, or even how to keep me headed in the right direction.  Is it just some sly, round about way to get me to admit my own powerlessness and dependence on Him?

I still talk to God… all the time, really.  But I don’t ask for much any more.  I guess prayer is just my way of reaching out in the dark to reassure myself that He is still there, still with me, still present even if we’re going over the cliff… especially if we’re going over the cliff.  I need someone to hold my hand, to love me as I am, even if He doesn’t help.  One day it will all make sense, or maybe it just won’t matter.  In the meantime, I need a friend.

Maybe I was looking for answers from God when God was the answer.

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Posted March 22, 2014 by janathangrace in Personal

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4 responses to “Who’s Asking?

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  1. Thanks so much for the post, and even though I pray through the day, I need to have a regular prayer time to just reflect and especially just listen to God’s voice. Sometimes in my busy life, I feel alone and sad, and then God reminds me I am his own. Have a great weekend!!

    Finding God Daily
  2. You know when I was in counseling with Paul (decades ago now!), and trying desperately to change myself to be able to live with him and not kill myself. I was praying desperately for God to change me so I could do was he wished, which I assumed was not to get a divorce. When I received no response from God even after months and months of deeply genuine prayer, I decided that since I was praying for God’s own wishes and intentions in my life and he wasn’t responding, there was probably no one on the other end of the line. And I became an atheist for about a year. Much later I learned to stop assuming that what I thought God wanted from me, with me, for me, was necessarily what he actually did want with, from, for me. And, like you, even when I was an atheist I kept talking to him! And I continue, like you to talk because now, in talking, I feel some glimmer of his presence in my life and that is what keeps me going.

    • Thanks for sharing, Mardi! I think a lot of so-called atheists are people who are just so mad at God they want to pretend he doesn’t exist (though yours sounds more despair-driven). I really get the mad thing (well, and the despair thing, too). I could never go that route simply because life would be intolerable in the dark if I were all alone (existentially speaking). I’m not sure how honest, deep atheists keep from killing themselves. Even if God didn’t exist, I would have to invent him to keep my sanity.

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