Prayer and I have had a very long, intense, conflicted relationship over the years. I have asked God, weeping and begging, shouting and pounding my fist against the floor, for requests from His own wish list–healing, reconciliation, deliverance, guidance–and more often than not I’ve come away empty-handed. Am I not praying enough? Do I lack faith? Is it not His time? Do we not deserve His intervention? Where are you, God?
What’s the point anyway–if God is all wise and all powerful, why tell Him what we want, especially since He is also all good and will do what is best regardless? It’s not like He needs my advice about how to run the world, or even how to keep me headed in the right direction. Is it just some sly, round about way to get me to admit my own powerlessness and dependence on Him?
I still talk to God… all the time, really. But I don’t ask for much any more. I guess prayer is just my way of reaching out in the dark to reassure myself that He is still there, still with me, still present even if we’re going over the cliff… especially if we’re going over the cliff. I need someone to hold my hand, to love me as I am, even if He doesn’t help. One day it will all make sense, or maybe it just won’t matter. In the meantime, I need a friend.
Maybe I was looking for answers from God when God was the answer.
Janathan Grace Reflections 