Don’t Bump Me, I’ve Barely Got My Balance!   5 comments

I’ve been missing lately from my blog because I’ve been mysteriously content of late, and I’m doing all I can to step gingerly and avoid jostling anything that might splash unwanted bits on my day, a very closely managed contentment!  It is like having a badly burned part of my body–my most recent bout with serious depression–that is painless as long as I don’t move, and stings a warning if I take any chances… enforced relaxation… sort of like prison… like hiding in the bushes from a stalking bear and bating my breath to avoid detection… very much like that since I don’t know when and from where a new round of aggressive depression might pounce.

A harsh word, a guilty memory, a snub, a glimpse of an unfinished project and depression gets in a quick slap.  I feel it, and I will myself to breathe deeply, relax, let it go.  At other times it is the slow, almost undetectable drips of growing emotional dis-ease, when I go two days without exercising, for instance, or I avoid dealing with a niggling problem.  I can always feel it brushing past in the dark, know that I have a very thin emotional barrier protecting me.  Perhaps the clearest evidence is that even though I don’t currently feel bad, I have very little energy to take steps to enhance my life, and pushing myself past my energy level is sure to tip over my precarious detente with depression.

Certain things seem to keep me steady–walking daily for two hours, going to work each evening, talking through stuff with Kimberly, loving on my dogs–and my hope is that over time a steady pace will yield more stability. There are hopeful signs.  I am finding some comfort in books as I have not in years, and I catch myself whistling or singing snatches of verse.  But all those gradual gains could be swallowed up overnight, without warning, and without explanation.  So for today, let me just breathe steady, walk slowly, and hope for the best.


Posted September 29, 2014 by janathangrace in Personal

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5 responses to “Don’t Bump Me, I’ve Barely Got My Balance!

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  1. I can so identify my dear. That is such a familiar landscape. … with invisible holes…. sending love and warm thoughts.

  2. You really are an excellent writer! If you are not doing do so, I would encourage you to keep fanning into flame the gift of God that He has given you. Your analogies are so vivid and on point!
    (Since it is now 2020, I’m curious if you will ever see this comment!)

    • (Adding a quick note so that I will be notified by email if you reply.)

    • I just saw your note. Thanks for the encouragement! Over the last several years my own emotional struggle has changed (more towards anxiety) and grown much more intense. It leaves me with little energy or initiative to write (or do much more than just survive), and I only visit my blog very occasionally (once every few months). I am trying to find my way through this new experience of darkness, but like all of our deep-seated issues, it is a long journey. I am warmed by your kind words.

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