So, yes, I did sort of blandly confess yesterday that my life is a useless dead-end. If my dispassion came from fatalism or apathy, it would likely be a sign of spiritual stagnation, but instead, my sharing it with such ease and openness (not stuffed with caveats or apologies or explanations) is a very real sign of spiritual growth for me. It has taken years for me to slowly come out of the closet as a failure, a nobody, and grow into the faith that God is in control and loves me with an unfettered grace. He is famous for using asses (both the donkey variety and the human kind) to accomplish good on this earth, even those totally resistant to his purposes, like Jonah at Ninevah and Peter with the Ethiopian eunuch, so he can surely use someone like me who, though deeply flawed, is eager to be his instrument.
I no longer cower under the withering suspicion that my flaws keep me on the bench, but It is not easy to feel useless, to feel as though my gifts fall to the ground like rotting apples in a starving country. It requires faith and patience in the mystery of God’s will and work in the world. I’m getting better at that… I have to get better at it because the longer I live, the more clearly I see the wreckage around me. As I told Kimberly yesterday, this wretched world gives no rational proof of a good God. The balance sheets of justice (let alone beauty and goodness) cannot be reconciled on earth. As Paul said, “If in this life only we have hope, we are of all men most miserable.” Forget the world around me, the world inside my chest is so slow in growing towards God that death will catch me long before I’ve lived into half the truth I’ve come to see.
God has a lot of explaining to do to justify his creating this muck-up since he knew the disaster that would come, but I expect one glimpse of his beauty will obliterate all our questions and doubts and captivate our hearts. Until then, we live by faith in a beauty we cannot see, in a grace we cannot well absorb, and in a love that guides us through the dark and home to his heart. May we all find our way by grace and en-courage one another with compassion.
Janathan Grace Reflections 
Wow. Another post shot through with light and holiness. Again, the power of the Spirit is in your words.
Isaiah 57:15 For this is what the high and exalted One says– he who lives forever, whose name is holy: “I live in a high and holy place, but also with the one who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite.”
Praying your spirit is lifted and revived as He uses you to lift mine.
I’m glad you found my sharing inspirational, Carol, and great verse too, one of my favorites. At work today a customer was telling me a story about a fire he accidentally set off in his kitchen, because (as he told the insurance agent) he was just dumb. “We cover dumb!” replied the agent. I said, “I didn’t know they had insurance for dumb! I need to go buy some!” Then I told him about some of my own blunders. I am comforted to know that God covers dumb… and even bad.
Hahaha. I love the man’s honesty and the response of the insurance agent. How deeply comforting that God covers dumb and even bad.
I appreciate so much of this….and mostly your transparency. Your honesty gives courage to others.
And you are a gifted writer too 🙂
Thank you for the compliment, Nicole. I feel as though transparency is the one thing I have to offer that isn’t readily available, so hopefully it is a blessing to those who don’t find enough of it in their own lives. It is also a blessing to me to be drawn away from a success-driven focus to one that simply is, as honestly as I am able to be. When someone is fighting to gain or maintain success, there is great pressure to paint a nice picture to keep it all going. I would have gone that route had I pulled off my tries at success, so in a way I was saved by failure. May you find those who will encourage and support you in being yourself more truly each day.
WOW! The last paragraph just sums it all. God bless you Uncle Kent! 🙂
Martina, good to hear from you. I hope you are well and finding encouragement to live out the wonder of who you are.
One day, I think we will be surprised to find that God treasures all our little acts of love, kindness, humility and service, which we have completely forgotten. I’m learning to transform my mind to value these little things too.
Yes, I hope I can learn to value the “little” things that I have so often under-valued. Living simply in the truth of who I am and who God is takes a huge amount of courage, faith, and perseverance. We don’t give ourselves or each other enough credit for both how hard that is and how beneficial it is to the world. Thanks for reminding us.