Archive for the ‘Broken’ Tag

Coming Out of the Closet   9 comments

So, yes, I did sort of blandly confess yesterday that my life is a useless dead-end.  If my dispassion came from fatalism or apathy, it would likely be a sign of spiritual stagnation, but instead, my sharing it with such ease and openness (not stuffed with caveats or apologies or explanations) is a very real sign of spiritual growth for me.  It has taken years for me to slowly come out of the closet as a failure, a nobody, and grow into the faith that God is in control and loves me with an unfettered grace.  He is famous for using asses (both the donkey variety and the human kind) to accomplish good on this earth, even those totally resistant to his purposes, like Jonah at Ninevah and Peter with the Ethiopian eunuch, so he can surely use someone like me who, though deeply flawed, is eager to be his instrument.

I no longer cower under the withering suspicion that my flaws keep me on the bench, but It is not easy to feel useless, to feel as though my gifts fall to the ground like rotting apples in a starving country.  It requires faith and patience in the mystery of God’s will and work in the world.  I’m getting better at that… I have to get better at it because the longer I live, the more clearly I see the wreckage around me.  As I told Kimberly yesterday, this wretched world gives no rational proof of a good God.  The balance sheets of justice (let alone beauty and goodness) cannot be reconciled on earth.  As Paul said, “If in this life only we have hope, we are of all men most miserable.” Forget the world around me, the world inside my chest is so slow in growing towards God that death will catch me long before I’ve lived into half the truth I’ve come to see. 

God has a lot of explaining to do to justify his creating this muck-up since he knew the disaster that would come, but I expect one glimpse of his beauty will obliterate all our questions and doubts and captivate our hearts.  Until then, we live by faith in a beauty we cannot see, in a grace we cannot well absorb, and in a love that guides us through the dark and home to his heart.  May we all find our way by grace and en-courage one another with compassion.


Posted February 25, 2015 by janathangrace in thoughts

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When Nothing is Everything   2 comments

The status quo is just another word for complacency or resignation in my book, it stinks of the stocks.  For me, hope is tied to change, so when progress is blocked I despond.  I don’t go down easily–I have always been a fighter–but I crippled my emotional resources fighting for the wrong end with the wrong means, and since I crawled from the field of battle, my rehabilitation seems to have no end.  I’ve been working on my recovery for over a decade.  At this rate, my convalescent home will become my retirement home; my life’s purpose has drained off like water from a cracked barrel.  How do I celebrate Christmas on crutch and braces?  What gift can I bring to God?  I have nothing, nothing but a broken heart.  What I have, I give.

“A broken and contrite heart you will not despise.”

Posted December 9, 2013 by janathangrace in Personal

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