It is sunny outside our big picture window looking out onto the trees and Hood Canal. It is a beautiful view that is always a delight. But I’m feeling more depressed than I have in a long time and I thought I should share here in the middle of my darkness because most of my posts offer resolutions, but life often feels stuck in the muck and I need to be honest when that is happening and not wait to share when things lighten. As usual, I don’t know why things turned darker or how to resolve it. I talk to God. I talk to Kimberly. I love on our dog Mitts. I try to lean into deeper truths of grace. But none of it seems to touch my heart. I just wanted to go back to bed this morning, which feels like finally giving up. Not that I could sleep. I’ve been awake since 3:30 a.m.
A big part of my depression is always feeling like I am responsible for more than I have capacity to fulfill and it weighs on me like a ton of bricks. I can never say that I am doing the best I can because I can always do more. The first two-thirds of my life I overrode my own feelings and needs to “do the right thing,” and so abused and degraded myself and crushed my sense of worth. My growth in grace has been an uphill battle with the “shoulds.” I have grown enough not to condemn myself for leaving things undone, and I often have to leave things undone simply to block the legalism that grooms me to measure myself by my productivity. But leaving things undone increases my anxiety.
In the past it was not the repercussions of leaving stuff undone that caused my anxiety, but the deep shame that resulted. I could live with things failing, but not with my being a failure. I have much more grace now towards my own limitations and what I need to foster my wellbeing, but it is still a struggle. The roots of those feelings go very deep into my past.
I want to offer my love and understanding to those of you who are struggling with your own darkness. No one deserves to feel that way. I want to send you hugs. I want you to know how precious you are–yes, YOU. None of your shortcomings or struggles make you any less worthy of love–unfailing, unconditional love. May you find just a little bit of hope and joy to pull you through the day!
Janathan Grace Reflections 
Leave a comment