Some days I just ache. I can feel my mouth pulled into the lines of a half-grimace, like someone trying to cover up an irrepressible agony. The very question of hope versus hopelessness grows distant as the present pain blocks out any future. There is just this moment… which stretches on hour after hour. I can distract myself, but it seems so futile–like playing peek-a-boo with a feverish baby. At least if I had some huge loss, say of a loved-one, I would have clarity about the reason for my pain, a direction to focus my feelings, and hope that over time some healing would come. It would make sense. And others would understand. What is there even to share or cry over if the misery is nameless?
Janathan Grace Reflections This is my journey of self discovery shared with you
Janathan Grace
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Janathan Grace Reflections 
Ahh … I feel your pain. It would be easier, wouldn’t it, if our depression always had an easily-defined cause? But no, we’re left with a weird mix of symptoms which can vary from person to person and week to week, an invisible illness which takes so much from us … it’s not fair. Still, there’s no point talking about fairness; I only think it’s sensible to talk about the path forwards.
Be well, and I hope tomorrow is one of the better days.
Thanks for the well-wishes. Though it’s largely unpredictable, I expect tomorrow won’t be much better since I am in a down cycle presently.
I’m sorry to hear that. Take care.
I feel your pain. My husband has had some of the same struggles that you battle with. At times it gets better but it is something he will always struggle with. It is only by the Lord’s grace that he is better. And medication helps. I am wondering — have you been on medication for depression? Did it help?
I’ve tried a couple different meds and neither of them worked for me. I don’t have health insurance, so we can’t afford to really experiment (and I’m kind of doubtful that they’d work for me).
My sister wrestled with this nameless pain and suffering. I came to my own conclusion regarding her depression. She was highly intelligent. She excelled in so many areas and then she crashed for many years. She moved to the beach, rode her bicycle and wrote in her journals of the Lord’s faithfulness in her life in spite of how her outward condition appeared to others. Her genius also showed up in her many writings. I have found that people I know with exceptional minds have a tendency towards depression. My own conclusion is that in this fallen world, those with great genius may physically, mentally and spiritually feel a messed up world’s pain much stronger than those of us with average IQ’s. It is beyond their control. The groaning and pains of an earth and humanity awaiting the day when the Lord will return and right the wrongs of the universe seems to become their pain too. So true the verse that describes how we long to rid ourselves of this earthly tent. Continue to write in the midst of your unspeakable yet undeniable pain This is not to try and explain your pain. It is only to tell of my observations and ideas based on trying to figure it out. I lost my sister to cancer. She was amazing. My father would say, “We are all crazy, she just got caught.”
Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry for your loss. I also lost a sibling (brother) many years ago. What you say seems to have same basis in psychology as the melancholy personality tends to be analytical and see more deeply into things. It is encouraging to me to just hear from those like yourself who accept depression as a matter of life rather than judging it as a defect. Thank you.