Author Archive
This is the last post of a defunct blog called “Rising to Grace” by Aditi:
Tomorrow I Plan to Make Better Mistakes
When I started this blog almost two years ago in the orange –amber days of fall, I didn’t really have an agenda – all I had was words. And I had this sense – of looking, searching – of trying to find grace. So for those of you who’ve wondered what the title is all about – this is it. Most literally, it is a biblical term that means divine love and protection… but for me it is that place where “everything’s ok.” We live in a world that is fraught with disillusionment, heartbreak, and pain, and through it all, grace knows that no matter what – it’s ok. Typically, we humans tend to fall from grace because of our stupidity and silliness, but I believe that through all our mistakes and failures – we actually find it. As we go through life and stumble and fall, we rise to grace.
“Grace is that force that infuses our lives, that keeps letting us off the hook. It is unearned and gratuitous love; the love that goes before, that greets us on the way. It’s the help you receive when you have no bright ideas left, when you are empty and desperate and have discovered that your best thinking and most charming charm have failed you; grace is the light or electricity or juice or breeze that takes you from that isolated place and puts you with others who are as startled and embarrassed and eventually grateful as you are to be there. “
These aren’t my words but something that I read in this book – Plan B… “Everything feels crazy,” writes Lamott, adding, “But on small patches of earth all over, I can see just as much messy grace as ever…’It meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.’”
The thing is that in life things don’t always work out the way you plan. But there’s grace. Grace that lets us know that even if things aren’t working exactly according to plan – it will still be OK. Because if Plan A isn’t working out, there is a Plan B. And Plan B doesn’t really require that much planning – all it asks is that we just show up. That we make ourselves get up in the morning and breathe.
So that’s what I am going to do. Breathe. There’s been so much of grace in my life. I had been looking for it – only to find that I had it all along.
And that’s why I feel it’s time. And even though like the characters in my stories, I am still looking and searching – I have a feeling that we all will be ok.
I have not visited my own site since I last posted. When I sink too far down, I just work each day on breathing. Sickness of soul has many comparisons with physical illness, and in both cases healing requires rest, the kind of rest and as much of it as a soul and body need. Most of my life I put my body and soul on strict rations, telling them what they needed and giving only that. I now realize my body and soul are a good bit smarter than my brain in knowing what they lack. I now see my brain is called to support those needs and not contradict and fight them. What I need, I need. There is no shame in needing.
THE TOUCH OF GENTLE HANDS
It is true that being “needy” is considered socially ugly in America. Some of this springs from a reaction to manipulators, folks who take advantage of others’ sympathy–and as a healthy boundary this caution may be good–but I suspect much of it springs from a sense of prideful independence… at least I know how powerfully this has worked in my life. And the natural partner to pride is shame (recognized or not), so I have also been ashamed for my need of others, as well as fearful of their resentment in helping me. I have discovered that the more I try to deny my needs, the more I close off grace from my life. Openly acknowledged need is the entry point for grace, though such vulnerability must be exercised with wisdom since letting down the defenses not only allows for more personal healing and deepened relationship, but may also open the way for much harsher wounding, depending on the response of the one we trust. I thank God often for my trustworthy wife.
Kimberly and I (and Mazie, our sweet dog) were able to spend a week at the beach between Christmas and New Year’s thanks to a very cheap hotel and a generous Christmas present from Berly’s dad. The weather was perfect and it was a wonderful time to relax. There was a delightful (and free) art museum in town, and when we visited I saw this inspiring drawing by Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy.
I feel so very tired, weary of life, confused about how to respond in a healthy, soul-affirming way. I’ve tried ineffectively to look for the root of my current depression so that I could apply grace to the wound, but it eludes me. It seems that all I can do is learn to accept my condition with patience.
DROWNING IN EXCESS
We pray for those among us, and in the world around us, who are burdened not by too little but by too much:
Those who have so much power that they have grown indifferent to the rights and claims of others, and are fast becoming what they do not wish to be;
Those who have so much health that they cannot understand the sick or reckon adequately with their own mortality;
Those who have so much wealth that they prize possessions more than people, and worry into the night about losing what they have;
Those who have so much knowledge that they have grown proud and self-sufficient and lost the common touch;
Those who have so much virtue that they cannot see their sins or appreciate thy grace;
Those who have so much leisure that they move like driftwood on the surface of existence, lacking any cause greater than themselves.
–Ernest T Campbell
I have so often misconstrued Scripture, oblivious to the grace that created each thought, that I found I could not read the Bible without feeling condemned. My legalistic filter poisoned the Bible for me. I studied it so diligently and thoroughly from this skewed perspective, that every re-reading of its pages undermined my hold on grace. I have gone several years now without any regular reading of Scripture. It has been just me and God (with Kimberly’s help) working to free me from this darkness. I think I have gotten enough grounding in grace that I can return to the Word to discover freshly its life-giving power. I’d like to share with others the grace I discover in these pages.
Matthew 1:1 This is the genealogy of Jesus the Messiah the son of David, the son of Abraham:
Matthew’s genealogy was written for the Jews, and so we assume he wrote it as he did (beginning with Abraham instead of Adam, for instance) to tap into the Jewish sense of identity and even pride in their ancestry. I was beguiled by Jewish veneration of David and Abraham into forgetting their great failures, which the Bible intimately describes. When Matthew highlights the marred women in Jesus’ ancestry, I see a wink from God, as though he took as much pleasure with the seedy side of his Son’s family line as the royal side. Israeli ancestry was passed down through the father, so Matthew carefully traces Jesus genealogy from Abraham through David straight down to Joseph… but at the last moment seems to dismiss its relevance by remarking that Joseph was not Jesus’ father anyway (biologically speaking). Even the greatest heroes, anointed prophets and kings, passed on nothing of their character, authority, power, or greatness through their bloodlines to Jesus. Rather all flowed the other way, from Christ to them. Jesus is not presented here as the greatest of a long line of great men. He is juxtaposed against all others—all others are sinners and he the only Savior; all others receive grace, he alone is the source of grace.
So when Matthew begins by calling Jesus the Son of David and of Abraham, he does not only want us to call to mind their greatness, but also their failures. THEY TOO needed a Savior. The story of God’s grace is so profound in both these men’s lives. Abraham, as Paul repeatedly reminds us, was declared righteous not by his goodness, but by faith. This justification and life he received was not the reward of faith, as though faith is such a wonderful thing that it calls for the reward of eternal life. Faith was merely the access point for grace, like a receiver for radio signals or a solar panel to absorb the sunrays, or an open hand to accept a gift offered. Abraham did not earn anything by some virtue of faith, for faith itself is a gift. In his natural self he was rather characterized by unbelief, not only regarding Ishmael, but even Isaac’s birth.
David was also deeply flawed, a murderer and adulterer (both capital crimes). The Psalms pour out his acknowledgment of his sinfulness and need for God’s grace. I have seen David as a hero to emulate, a man responsible for his own goodness and greatness, as though his title, “man after God’s own heart,” was about David replicating God’s virtues rather than God’s own heart being infused into David. Abraham and David were two of our greatest, but both knew they needed a Savior–that is what I want to emulate: a conviction of my neediness. I am on spiritual par with the holiest and greatest saints in history: the ground is all level at the foot of the cross, and we not only start our spiritual journey there but end it there as well. We all come from the gutter and end up in the palace, crowned as royalty, and the only bridge from that beginning to that ending is grace.
God built the bridge; we walk over it.
This is a letter from John Peter to Brennan Manning, one of my favorite authors on grace, a Catholic priest who was black-balled for getting married (to Roslyn).
They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab... I said, "No, No, No!"
My wife, Lolly, and I were at a breaking point. I did not think I could continue to stay married to someone who was so self-destructive! But I wanted to consult you before moving out or calling a lawyer. When I did call you, Roslyn said that you were in route to Providence, Rhode Island, for a week of renewal at a Catholic church there. Ros also said that you had a layover in Newark to change planes. So I immediately drove to the Newark airport and, believe it or not, found you in the midst of that huge airport! I told you what was going on, and you said that I, under the circumstances, could leave Lolly—after twenty-five years of alcoholic drinking! So I drove back to our house in Manhasset, New York. When I arrived there some three hours later, I found Lolly all cleaned up and as sober as I had seen her in a long time. She announced to me that you were coming for dinner!
What had happened was some conservative Catholics at the church you went to visit in Providence found out that you were married and reported it to the bishop. The bishop then forbade that parish to have you speak there, so what did you do? You called Lolly and said you’d like to come to dinner! So I had to turn around and pick you up at LaGuardia and home we came. Lolly could not have been a more willing or welcoming hostess. She loved you, Brennan. After dinner I retired, and you and Lolly sat up and talked almost all night! She had sworn that she would never go back into treatment again, so you can imagine my surprise when, the next morning (Sunday), you told me that Lolly agreed to go back to Brunswick Hospital Rehab….
As you know, Lolly stayed sober in AA for the rest of her life—over twenty-five years! She passed away September 27, 2009. And the gift of her longtime sobriety was something that my children and I found as close to heaven as I suspect we’ll see this side of the grave.
–from All Is Grace, Mannings recent autobiography, though I would much more highly recommend The Ragamuffin Gospel or Abba’s Child if you want a taste.
For the last two months or so I have awakened each morning with a great heaviness of spirit that nothing seems to lift, a feeling of exhaustion and unhappiness. The only thing that seems to help is going back to sleep, which I have regularly done (since I work nights, I can do that). Just lying down, even without sleep, seems to help a good deal. It is my way of giving my soul a rest, removing all demands and expectations for the moment. The weight gradually lifts during the day on most days to the point that I can do something “productive” without cost to my soul. I have no energy for the creativity, vulnerability, and/or interpersonal connection that social media involves. My sister Mardi finds that she is pushed to express her feelings in art when she is depressed, but the opposite happens to me. So I stop blogging.
Some folks have suggested that I suffer from seasonal affective disorder, which comes out in the winter. But my struggles come out indiscriminately throughout the seasons, probably more affected by my life circumstances. Environment does impact my feelings significantly, cloudy days often cloud my spirit… in fact, when I can enjoy an overcast day it is a good indication that my soul is at rest.
Kimberly and I just had a week’s vacation at the beach, and it was very refreshing. Each day was quiet, slow, soothing. We slept in, read from a favorite author, and then talked about our thoughts and feelings; we had lunch, went for a long walk on the beach or in the woods with our dog Mazie and settled into a relaxed evening. We take great comfort in one another’s company and our sweet Mazie is a constant delight to us (Mazie is short for Amazing, so with our surname, Amazing Grace). I was hoping that calm would carry over into our days at home, but the personal gravity pulled me down as I rose from bed today, our first morning back. Reminds me of John Mayer
To all those who face this: my understanding and empathy are with you. May you find little landings of peace on the long climb, short embraces of sunlight piercing through, unexpected touches of gentleness for your battered soul… and when you need it, take a nap!
I phoned an old friend today. He wasn’t in and I had to leave a message. In anticipating his return call, I imagined Bob asking me, “How are you?” What would I say? What does the question mean? How am I this moment or overall? How am I in reference to what scale? How am I feeling or how is my soul or how are circumstances or…? Yes, I do complicate the simplest things, but it seems to lead me to a deeper understanding.
I think most people want a superficial (and pleasant) response, but my friends have learned to expect an honest, reflective answer from me… which begs the question, what is genuine? Consider margarine–is it imitation butter or genuine margarine? The truth is that I have been struggling for a few weeks about my self worth because I have been applying for a lot of second jobs, even minimum wage jobs, to cover the loss of income from Kimberly leaving her employment, and I have had no responses, as though I have nothing of value to offer the world. My overall emotions continue to improve in the long view, but I still experience much more psychological turmoil than I wish, a mark of how much farther I have still to grow. So the truth is that I am struggling.
However, I am like a cancer patient going through successful chemotherapy. In spite of all the pain and sickness, signs of improving health are very evident. I am on the road to recovery. One can feel miserable while being in a very good place personally. So the truth is that I am doing well, very well, increasingly well. That does not mean that I am feeling happy or content. Sometimes life is just hard (often hard for some of us), but it is well with my soul.
So, I haven’t posted for a while. Kimberly is away in New York leading a retreat for L’Arche members. I’m looking for a second job. I have an interview this Thursday which looks quite promising, a weekend supervisory role. While Kimberly is gone, I’m trying to get a few things done with which to surprise her. Primarily painting the living room a color we agreed on. Finding a close color match has not been as smooth as I expected, so I hope she is okay with the shade. I know she will appreciate not experiencing the fumes and mess that the painting will create.
I conducted the wedding for my sister-in-law and husband weekend before last. It was the first time I met many of my extended family in-laws. I have a new appreciation for destination weddings (this one in Fort Myers, FL). Spending several days with in-laws can create the basis for much quicker assimilation. As I told everyone, this was the first time I felt I was part of the family instead of part of Kimberly’s family. It felt good (though a little stressful to conduct a wedding for an in-law… if it goes badly… which thankfully it didn’t). I did manage to screw up the new name of the couple when I presented them after the kiss, but everyone seemed to be okay with that… after all, a beach wedding tends to be more casual (it was the first time I ever wore a suit in bare feet!) Lots of cameras and lots of photos and video. But I’m having trouble downloading them. I’ll try again later.
The thing is that in life things don’t always work out the way you plan. But there’s grace. Grace that lets us know that even if things aren’t working exactly according to plan – it will still be OK. Because if Plan A isn’t working out, there is a Plan B. And Plan B doesn’t really require that much planning – all it asks is that we just show up. That we make ourselves get up in the morning and breathe.
Janathan Grace Reflections 