Janathan Grace Reflections   This is my journey of self discovery shared with you

Our culture values earning an income and validates our personhood based on our employment. While I am between jobs, I can stay busy all day at home and still somehow feel devalued because I am not getting paid for whatever I am doing. Although I don’t theologically (intellectually) agree that my self worth is based on my accomplishments, my feelings are very slow to agree, and trying to bulk up my feeling of self worth by staying busy undercuts that growth. I spent my whole life trying to earn my worth by working hard (for God), and it is a slow, scary, complex process to get emotionally free of that web of deceit.

Here I am again in the same week! I don’t think anyone is reading this blog anymore, regardless, since I haven’t been posting for ages. I should write up something scandalous and see how long it takes everyone to crowd back in for a view. I was working on putting together a website today on the topic of grace, something I have wanted to do for a long time. The job I am applying for is wanting to create a website and would like their director to do that, so I thought I would give it a try. I created a Google website with their software, which is pretty basic and doesn’t allow for a lot of adjustment, but hey, it works and looks fine. Does anyone know a source for good web-design software for cheap or free?

So, it’s only been 1 1/2 months since my last blog entry. I’m rapidly increasing my posts! I’ve been more focused on facebook recently (under my unmarried name–Kent McQuilkin). I find many more folks connect with facebook, I think because it is more interactive, but I much prefer the blog world. Kimberly and I traveled to Wisconsin to my niece’s wedding and spent the night in or near Indianapolis both when coming and going to visit with each of Berly’s sisters. Thankfully the weather conditions held so that we made it up and back in good time. We took our dog, Mazie, with us, and she was thoroughly socialized with animals and people during the trip. The weather yesterday and today was absolutely delightful!

So I forgot I had a blog with Xanga until my wife reminded me today. It has been almost a year since my last post, a rough year. I finally resigned last week as I could get no resolution for my problems with the director. Everyone sees the problems, but no one will address them in any meaningful way. I will be working through February and then need to find another job.
In other news, my brother David came through town and spent the night with us. We will be seeing him and other family members next month at my niece’s wedding and again in June for another niece’s wedding. Perhaps now that I remember I have a blog, I will post more than once a year!

So, I was writing in my private blog and my wife reminded me that I have another blog. “I do? What is it called?” “Xanga.” “Wow, I didn’t even remember that I have another blog!” So it was almost a year ago that I posted here. Rough year. I finally resigned last week from the job that was eating me alive. I will be working through February, but in the meantime will need to find another job. Perhaps now that I remember I have a xanga blog, I may post more often than once a year!

What a beautiful snow we had yesterday! About 8 inches. I have only lived here a few years, but it seems pretty common for a good snow to be followed by blue skies the next day. The snow & sun converged with my day off, and the combination made me feel like I was on vacation. It was quite delightful. I love blue skies, even on really cold days. It is supposed to be up to the high 60s in a couple of days! Very different from Chicago.
I took a week off in February and traveled to Columbia for a week working on more research for my dissertation. It is coming along slowly… more slowly now because I have additional work at L’Arche. We have built a second house right next to the first one that will open up in a month. The present leader will be moving to the new house and the director asked me to head up the old house. I feel it is a role for which I am well suited, but the transition is going to be difficult, especially because I really struggle to relate in a healthy way to the present leader(s), and we have to cooperate regarding many things during the transition.
Blessings to all, janathan

I was very moved by the inaugural address, especially regarding Obama’s views of the world and America’s place in it.  His focus on bringing oppositions together and encouraging humility and respect toward those with whom we disagree is beautiful.  His presidency reminds me that reconciliation between those who have priveleges and power and those who have been marginalized is usually unsuccesful unless it is led by a member of the unempowered, in this case an African American, and by one who is more committed to reconciliation than judging, to healing and restoration more than justice.

Well, so much I could blog about I suppose.  That’s what happens when a lot of time passes between posts.  I have a couple of blogs that I like to read by authors who are total strangers to me, but are honest about their personal struggles.  It reminded me this morning that posting pictures of current events really help people stay more connected.  My sister Jan gave us autumn decorations that we put out this fall and really enjoyed, and we could have photographed that.  I put up Christmas decorations, but half of those are already down.  So no picture there either.

Berly’s and my Christmas present to one another this year was a new TV as our old one was dying.  We had saved cash from our wedding with this expectation and got a very good Christmas deal on a 42″ Sony LCD.  One of the first things we watched on it was our favorite, Lord of the Rings (part 1,,, we will watch part 2 & 3 soon).  Kimberly also bought me (stocking stuffer) a very cool DVD that plays an aquarium on your TV screen to either the sound of a fishtank (waterfilter) or to soft music.  I LOVE it!  It is the perfect background for reading, writing, studying, talking… basically anything other than watching TV!

I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas and New Year’s.

It has been overcast or raining here in Lynchburg for about 10 days now.  It makes life feel quite gloomy.  Many of you know that I have struggled with depression for over 10 years, though it has gradually grown better.  I now generally find myself on the positive side of life, but barely (like 55% positive), so it takes little to knock me below the line.  However, as I continue to grow out of depression, I find it takes less time to get back above the line.  Still, 55% yields only a 5% margin, so I have to live quite conservatively with regard to my emotional energy.  This means I lack the energy, intiative, and ability to often do things that most people consider just another ordinary activity or daily choice (answering emails, working on small projects, taking relational  risks).  I could force myself to do these things (as I did most of my life), but if I did, it would create an unsustainable lifestyle.  So (to get back to talking about the weather… as only I can do!), an overcast day may affect my emotional energy only 10-20%, but that is enough to make my soul feel dragged down by life.

I don’t really feel like blogging today.  I feel like I have to say something worthwhile when I blog and sometimes I just don’t have the energy to say something worthwhile… but what does ‘worthwhile’ mean anyway?  There are a few blogs that I read regularly for inspiration, and what inspires me is just their honest description of what is going on with them.  If it’s a crappy day, they say so.  If they are having trouble staying sober or have been arguing with their spouse, they share it.  I don’t feel safe enough to be fully honest here before the whole world, but Berly and I are both trying to learn that the most precious gift we can give anyone is the gift of ourselves, plain and simple.  So maybe I need to aspire to writing blogs that don’t say anything special but what happens to be happening in and around me. I’ll think about that.