Janathan Grace Reflections   This is my journey of self discovery shared with you

More problems with internet and phonelines as usual.  I finally decided just to get an old fashioned land line, which I should be getting by thursday (cross your fingers), and I signed up for netzero as a pop3 account so I can use outlook on my computer.  for those who don’t know, my email address is kent_mcquilkin@yahoo.com.  It’s good to hear updates on everyone.  Not much to report here. 

I see I am just sneaking under the wire to post this before a month has expired on my last blog.  You start losing double brownie points if you cross the 30 day gap.  I FINALLY got my internet working (it died 2 weeks after it started).  But now my VOIP line is not working, so I’m still basically phone-less.  Berly and I spent christmas here in Lynchburg, just the two of us celebrating (she only had 3 days off, and that didn’t seem like enough time to travel… besides she only found out a week in advance that she had the time off.  She has been taking a break from work, only working part time, but she goes back to full time this week.  I have been doing virtually nothing on my doctorate and don’t mind at all!  My shoulders and back have been acting up badly for a month now, which limits sleep and prevents exercise.  How can I be getting this old at 44?!  Berly and I have settled into a church here that we both like.  We hope to get into a small group soon.  That about covers us down here.

Okay, so I’m finally posting a new entry.  I guess if I didn’t feel like I had to write something substantive every time I might write more often.  I now have an internet connection.  In fact I got it the day after writing the last post.  However, Verizon keeps postponing my ‘start-up’ date… the latest being December 8.  How weird is that?!  I tried to get satellite TV this week, but there are too many trees boxing me in to get a signal, so it ain’t possible.  Thanks, Bruce, for that intriguing website regarding the secret postcards.  I think I will order the book. 

Kimberly and I went to her brother’s place in Raleigh, N.C. for thanksgiving.  I get worn out pretty quickly by large crowds (anything more than 4-5 people!), especially if it is folks I don’t know, so I’m glad we weren’t there too long.

My house is a bit of a mess, which is a telltale sign of a similar disorder in my soul.  I just resigned from all involvement in the work I started in India.  Most of you don’t know I have continued to be involved (especially in funneling money to them).  I only recently realized what a great emotional drain it was on me.  Like a typical guy, I thought if I refused to think about it, it wouldn’t affect me much.  Bad idea.  It feels somewhat relieving, but I struggle with the guilt of letting them down.  In truth, as much as they don’t like it, this is probably best for them anyway.

Well, Chaio!

So Verizon is a total disaster.  I’ve waited 1 1/2 months to get connected, it still isn’t supposed to go through till the 23rd, and I’m doubtful that it will work even then (since they sent me a duplicate modem to the one that didn’t work last attempt).  After one month of waiting, emailing, working my way through countless computer phone trees and then human transfer-the-problem-to-someone-else games (until I got back to the beginning again), they finally discovered that the one who made out the original ticket did it wrong.  The only thing I could do was cancel and start over again with a new application.  I’ve decided I am going to sign up for cable internet also and whoever gets me the service first wins me as a client.  I’m still stuck with the cellphone service that doesn’t work (since I can’t get VOIP, since I can’t get internet connected).  I’m very aggravated with all service-oriented big business (as I have been my whole adult life).

OKAY! OKAY!

I have connection problems.  Kimberly’s email often doesn’t work.  I ordered DSL which finally arrived Wednesday (they send a package and you have to get yourself online–the instructions are very simple to follow, but if it doesn’t work, then?).  I actually couldn’t get anything until I got a computer.  Someone at Kimberly’s work gave me a reasonably good computer (just a few years old).  The DSL setup told me my computer only has 50Mhz speed and that I need 233 (or some such), so now I have to buy a computer.  Besides that my cell phone doesn’t get reception either at my place or Kimberly’s.  But I have another 18 months to go on the 2 year agreement.  What’s the use of having a phone when you have to go drive somewhere to use it… may as well revert to pay phones!  IF I could get DSL running, then I would get a VOIP line.  Needless to say, I feel out of touch with folks. 

Interesting to hear what is happening at Bridgeway.  I’m not surprised.  I’m also not troubled by it–folks will find their ways forward.

Berly (Kimberly) is in D.C. at a national convention for L’Arche (the organization she started working for 2 months ago).  Sadly it’s her birthday on Saturday (sad that she’s with nobody to celebrate it).  I sneaked a couple of things into her bags Thursday when she was leaving, but that’s not really the same.  Actually, it is only sad to me since she’s not much into birthday celebrations.

Kimberly is paying about 25 bucks for Adelphia cable TV and another 25 for internet access, a lot better price than DSL.  I went on the website to see what specials were being offered.  It gave the national prices for internet, which were $19.95 for the first 3 months (to suck you in) and after that it jumps to $42.95.  I thought Kimberly must have gotten a local deal currently going on, but since they have no Lynchburg phone numbers, I went down to their office yesterday to check it out.

One customer was in front of me in line, and she was talking about personal things to the lady behind the Adelphia counter.  When her business was finished, she took a couple of steps towards the door and stopped, still talking.  They both ignored me for several minutes as they finished their little chat.  Finally Lady Adelphia decided she had time for me and turning to me asked, “What’s your address?” (not “can I help you?” or “what can I do for you today?”).  She punched it into her computer, and when nothing came up she realized she had asked the wrong question.

“I’m here to ask about new service,” I said.  “Is there some kind of special?  My girlfriend lives three blocks from my place and she is getting cable and internet access for about 25 bucks each.”

“Well,” she answered, “we have a special, a 3-month special for $21.95 a month.  After that it goes up to $42.95.  Modem rental is an additional $3 a month.”  I suddenly realized how they had misled Kimberly–and would have gotten me if I had not seen the website. 

I tried to use a gentle voice to allay any defensiveness: “The way you say that sounds kind of confusing.  Your customers could easily understand you to mean that if they sign up today they will pay only 21.95 from now on.”

“Oh,” she responded, “People do sometimes claim that we didn’t tell them their rates would go up.  That’s why we are very careful in how we say it: ‘we have a 3-month special for $21.95 a month.  After that it goes up to $42.95.'”

“Well, if I heard you say that,” I replied, “I could easily think you meant there is a 3-month window, and that if I sign up now, I can permanently lock in the low price.”  She responded politely and with a patient smile, “Well I don’t understand what YOU are saying.”  She didn’t WANT to understand what I was saying.

At this point I realized I was the victim of Southern gentility–she can completely ignore my comments as long as she does it with a soft tone and a smile.  Shoot someone in broad daylight on Main street, and if you do it with the proper manner–dress nicely, speak politely, tip your hat to the ladies–Everyone will say you are a real gentleman.  The one great unifying cultural force in the South, the foundation for all good relationships, the mightiest instrument for social advancement is denial… by politeness.

I really love my apartment.  I actually prefer the basement because it shields me from street traffic.  The up/down duplex is on a hill, so only the top apartment is above ground in front, but the slope is so steep that I have windows at both sides as well as in the back.  The living room window is very large and opens out into the woods behind my house—I can see only trees.  It is so beautiful!  The rear bedroom window is small, but I have arranged the bed so that if I sit on it (to read) or lie on it (to reflect) I look out on the maples and poplars, and at night with the window open, cricket chirps drift in on the rustling wind.

For Berly, the insides of the house count most, but just give me God’s creation outside to breathe life into my soul.  I need a yard for my own private space and to keep my neighbors a friendly wave apart.  So checking out residences was quick and easy—without appointments or keys, just addresses.  I drove passed 15 units in a 25 mile radius, but found the very best option right across the creek from Berly’s apartment (about a block away if I push through the thickets, around the ravine, and climb the rail fence… four blocks if I take the street).

The fall is still weeks away, and the woods are stuffed so tight with green that the blue sky can only peak through where the trees thin out to make room for houses.  Even so, every little breeze puffs down a shower of yellow leaves like a bevy of butterflies floating to earth.  The golden cascades drift down and like the soft lapping of ocean waves wash into my heart with a whisper of peace: “Release”… “Relax”… “Let… life… flow.”

Wow, I can’t begin to summarize all that has happened since my last blog–my moving to Lynchburg and all that has involved.  My little Honda seems to have survived the heavy loads ferried down each week from Arlington as I visited Kimberly.  My books of course made up the bulk of the transfer.  In place of a summary, I’ll just tell ya’ll the latest.

About 11 o’clock Saturday night I was carrying two armloads of things from Kimberly’s place out to my car.  I placed one armload on the ground and with my free hand reached into my front pocket to get my keys.  My wallet was in the way.  So I pulled my wallet out, slapped it on top of the car, and unlocked the front door.  I reached around to unlock the back door and unloaded everything onto the back seat.  Then I climbed in front and drove off… with my wallet still on top of the car.  Of course, I didn’t realize it was missing until Sunday afternoon, and by then someone else had already found it, with over $100 in cash, two checks, three credit cards, a metro pass worth $25. 

If I’m lucky and it’s an honest person, they will probably mail my wallet to the address on my driver’s license: 921 N. Quincy Street (which has been a big hole in the ground for two years now).  No, I never told DMV when we moved.  So I spent this morning getting a new driver’s license and cancelling my credit cards.  Another day in the life of Mr. Scatterbrained.

So it finally hit me that this coming Sunday is going to be my last at Bridgeway.  That has a very sad ring to it.  Until now I have been focused mostly on the logistics of moving… finding a new apartment, sorting & packing, tying up loose ends.  The thoughts that spin around moving to Lynchburg are good ones, and I have focused mostly on those, but the cogitations that bubble up from below about leaving Bridgeway are sad ones. 

I wish I could have done more for Bridgeway–we are smaller now than when I came as pastor two years ago.  I wish I were leaving with Bridgeway vibrant and energetic, not struggling for survival.  I wish our efforts at building community had not been stymied by people moving away… people being too busy… people struggling too much with their own issues to invest in more relationships.  I had my own issues that pulled me down.  I wish I could have connected more with folks here, but it didn’t happen.  That is sad.  I wish I could have made everyone happy, fulfilled everyone’s dreams for a pastor and church–that isn’t possible, not even preferable, but it doesn’t make the failed desire any less painful. 

For the past 15 months, being a pastor has made me more depressed than being unemployed.  I have woken up depressed…  had to force myself to get out of bed and start the day.  I should have resigned a year ago, but my sense of responsibility weighed too heavily on me–I’ve always been better at trying to meet others’ needs than my own.

Despite the pain, this last year has been the most personally fruitful of my life.  I have discovered, faced, and battled through more soul issues these 12 months than in the last 44 years combined.  For the last 10 years, life has been hard as hell, exhausting, deeply painful, horribly depressing, but this last year it has also been richly rewarding… and that gives me hope, a luxury I have not experienced in a decade.

So here’s to Bridgeway folks: May you discover yourself more deeply this year and discover the goodness in one another and discover God’s best intentions in the hardest spots.  My love to all and best wishes.

So does anyone else feel like amateurs next to Jen’s philosophical blogs?  She writes well and has thought provoking ideas… Some of the things it made me ponder: what is the relationship between wishing and prayer (e.g. what turns a wish into a prayer, what’s the difference between the two, can you pray for anything you wish for, how is God related to my wishes–like does he inspire them, criticize them, fulfill them when He knows better….)?  Where do wishes come from?  Is it better to wish than not wish?  What’s the dif b/w wishing and hoping?  Can you really consider it a wish if it is something you can grant yourself?  Does wishing make life better, even if it isn’t fulfilled?  Does wishing for something make it more likely that you will get it?  I wish I knew.