Janathan Grace Reflections   This is my journey of self discovery shared with you

I really love my apartment.  I actually prefer the basement because it shields me from street traffic.  The up/down duplex is on a hill, so only the top apartment is above ground in front, but the slope is so steep that I have windows at both sides as well as in the back.  The living room window is very large and opens out into the woods behind my house—I can see only trees.  It is so beautiful!  The rear bedroom window is small, but I have arranged the bed so that if I sit on it (to read) or lie on it (to reflect) I look out on the maples and poplars, and at night with the window open, cricket chirps drift in on the rustling wind.

For Berly, the insides of the house count most, but just give me God’s creation outside to breathe life into my soul.  I need a yard for my own private space and to keep my neighbors a friendly wave apart.  So checking out residences was quick and easy—without appointments or keys, just addresses.  I drove passed 15 units in a 25 mile radius, but found the very best option right across the creek from Berly’s apartment (about a block away if I push through the thickets, around the ravine, and climb the rail fence… four blocks if I take the street).

The fall is still weeks away, and the woods are stuffed so tight with green that the blue sky can only peak through where the trees thin out to make room for houses.  Even so, every little breeze puffs down a shower of yellow leaves like a bevy of butterflies floating to earth.  The golden cascades drift down and like the soft lapping of ocean waves wash into my heart with a whisper of peace: “Release”… “Relax”… “Let… life… flow.”

Wow, I can’t begin to summarize all that has happened since my last blog–my moving to Lynchburg and all that has involved.  My little Honda seems to have survived the heavy loads ferried down each week from Arlington as I visited Kimberly.  My books of course made up the bulk of the transfer.  In place of a summary, I’ll just tell ya’ll the latest.

About 11 o’clock Saturday night I was carrying two armloads of things from Kimberly’s place out to my car.  I placed one armload on the ground and with my free hand reached into my front pocket to get my keys.  My wallet was in the way.  So I pulled my wallet out, slapped it on top of the car, and unlocked the front door.  I reached around to unlock the back door and unloaded everything onto the back seat.  Then I climbed in front and drove off… with my wallet still on top of the car.  Of course, I didn’t realize it was missing until Sunday afternoon, and by then someone else had already found it, with over $100 in cash, two checks, three credit cards, a metro pass worth $25. 

If I’m lucky and it’s an honest person, they will probably mail my wallet to the address on my driver’s license: 921 N. Quincy Street (which has been a big hole in the ground for two years now).  No, I never told DMV when we moved.  So I spent this morning getting a new driver’s license and cancelling my credit cards.  Another day in the life of Mr. Scatterbrained.

So it finally hit me that this coming Sunday is going to be my last at Bridgeway.  That has a very sad ring to it.  Until now I have been focused mostly on the logistics of moving… finding a new apartment, sorting & packing, tying up loose ends.  The thoughts that spin around moving to Lynchburg are good ones, and I have focused mostly on those, but the cogitations that bubble up from below about leaving Bridgeway are sad ones. 

I wish I could have done more for Bridgeway–we are smaller now than when I came as pastor two years ago.  I wish I were leaving with Bridgeway vibrant and energetic, not struggling for survival.  I wish our efforts at building community had not been stymied by people moving away… people being too busy… people struggling too much with their own issues to invest in more relationships.  I had my own issues that pulled me down.  I wish I could have connected more with folks here, but it didn’t happen.  That is sad.  I wish I could have made everyone happy, fulfilled everyone’s dreams for a pastor and church–that isn’t possible, not even preferable, but it doesn’t make the failed desire any less painful. 

For the past 15 months, being a pastor has made me more depressed than being unemployed.  I have woken up depressed…  had to force myself to get out of bed and start the day.  I should have resigned a year ago, but my sense of responsibility weighed too heavily on me–I’ve always been better at trying to meet others’ needs than my own.

Despite the pain, this last year has been the most personally fruitful of my life.  I have discovered, faced, and battled through more soul issues these 12 months than in the last 44 years combined.  For the last 10 years, life has been hard as hell, exhausting, deeply painful, horribly depressing, but this last year it has also been richly rewarding… and that gives me hope, a luxury I have not experienced in a decade.

So here’s to Bridgeway folks: May you discover yourself more deeply this year and discover the goodness in one another and discover God’s best intentions in the hardest spots.  My love to all and best wishes.

So does anyone else feel like amateurs next to Jen’s philosophical blogs?  She writes well and has thought provoking ideas… Some of the things it made me ponder: what is the relationship between wishing and prayer (e.g. what turns a wish into a prayer, what’s the difference between the two, can you pray for anything you wish for, how is God related to my wishes–like does he inspire them, criticize them, fulfill them when He knows better….)?  Where do wishes come from?  Is it better to wish than not wish?  What’s the dif b/w wishing and hoping?  Can you really consider it a wish if it is something you can grant yourself?  Does wishing make life better, even if it isn’t fulfilled?  Does wishing for something make it more likely that you will get it?  I wish I knew.

I joined birthday girl Jen and friends at Screen on the Green last night.  I left early but found the Smithsonian metro stop closed, so I walked up to federal triangle.  At Metro Central (is that the name?) a huge crowd pushed into the cars, apparently flooding out from a recent Nationals game.  People kept jamming in and blocking the door.  The doors would reopen as the digitized female repeated, “please keep clear of the door… doors closing,” and more would elbow in.  It became very irritating by about the 10th time this happened (since there was an endless mass of people disgorging from the escalators).  So why do some things make me angry and others don’t?

Hey, so I just finished reading everybody’s blog on the b242 blogring and it was inspirational!  John is the only one who showed up to join me for the “men’s breakfast” this morning, and afterwards he took me down to see his lab.  All very interesting, but a lot of it way above my head.  I haven’t looked into a microscope since college!  We have to get John to join the blogring–send him an email! 

Kimberly has 4 classmates from college that get together every summer for a weekend–they’ve come to Lynchburg this weekend (from across the country), but they don’t bring their ‘primary other,’ so I’m left out.  I didn’t get to see her last weekend either (because of another friend visiting her), and the weekend before that we were having a fight (well, not really a fight–just some hard stuff we had to work through, we’re better for it now).  Living 3 1/2 hours apart really sucks!  In spite of that, today feels good for some strange reason.

Okay folks, so I finally joined the Bridgeway blogring and I’m finally doing a blog update.  I’m sure everyone has stopped checking my blog since I haven’t updated it from the time I started it.  I will be stepping down from pastoring at Bridgeway242 on August 31 and will be moving to Lynchburg where my girlfriend Kimberly lives.  I plan to finish my doctoral dissertation… maybe finish my University of Chicago Master’s thesis (20 years after the coursework!) and maybe revise my book “Overwhelmed by Grace.”  There are all sorts of maybes in my life right now.  I’m thinking of going back to grad school to earn my Ph.D. so I can teach.  I don’t plan to go back to pastoring (though one never knows).  I don’t know how long I can survive without a job, but I’ll try to stretch it out.  Trying out different part-time jobs might be fun… maybe I could sign up with a temp agency.  I’ve thought about getting into the public school system as a substitute teacher.  I’ve thought about delivering mail on a rural route.  I’ve thought about cashing in my retirement fund and not working for a while (since the more I work, the less I can do on my dissertation).  Well, that’s all for today.

Some folks from bridgeway got together to brainstorm about Sunday worship services over pizza.  I’m here with John, Eddie, Jes, and Alli, showing them my weblog.  So let me get their comments.  John shrugs his shoulders; Eddie, “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz” (followed by evil, breathy laugh); Jes, “Go Kent!  Share your knowledge and thoughts with the world.”; Alli, “Check out my Xanga: ekodolphin37”  So that’s all for today.

So, I’ve only told one person so far about my weblog–the one who sent me her site.  I’m nervous about information getting out… what can I talk about freely and what should I not… about problems at work? problems with other people? about personal issues I am facing?  How personal?!  It all depends on who is going to read this thing… and I haven’t decided that either.  When you are anonymous, it doesn’t matter who reads it… but of course NO one will read it if you don’t tell folks, and if you tell them, you’re no longer anonymous.  It seems to me there should be different levels of revelation, and even different content… maybe I should have more than one weblog.  One that is very personal and available to just a few I trust a lot, another that is for concepts (anonymous so I can be unorthodox), one for church folks (which would be more pastoral/spiritual, but suitable for church visitors).  Hmmm.  What about one for family/friends who want to keep up on my personal life/journey?  Decisions, decisions!

Well, this is a new adventure.  Kind of scary to put yourself out on the internet where everyone can see you!  Give me some feedback, friends.