Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
I have been listening to country videos this morning. If I skip past the shallow, trashy and stupid ones (common to every music genre), they make me nostalgic for a traditional family past, a past that never happened. I borrow memories from “The Waltons” and Hallmark movies, add snippets of wishful thinking, and, cutting around the fights and fears and tensions, stitch together just the happy bits of Christmas and Thanksgiving and vacations. My recollections are good ones, just not accurate ones. Memory has a wonderful facility for reconstructing the past to feel good… even things that crushed me as a boy seem somehow softened, almost endearing now.
Those sunny memories sing hope to my troubled heart and stir up a longing to recreate them in my life–a time (as I remember) when relationships were simple and straightforward, even quarrels made us bond more closely, and everyone in the family wanted to be together, a place where I could be myself and I was accepted for who I am and pretenses were dropped. But as I discovered, hopes built on such imaginary figments are doomed to repeated and increasingly painful disappointments.
Reality battered my soul for ten years before it finally broke through and crushed those false hopes, and now there is no going back, no denying what I now see, no ignoring the fears I once covered over so well… there is only going forward… into pain and fear and confusion and tears. For the last decade my only hope has been to push through the suffering into something better on the other side, but this harsh place has been an inescapable quagmire. I have grown a great deal, but it has brought no significant relief, peace, or joy… only continued breaking. I have done the best I can in every situation, at each fork taken the way that seemed right, but I am no closer to finding my way out of this misery.
Unfortunately, few folks are comfortable enough with my experience of life to allow me to be as I am and be okay with it. They want to help me, fix me, advise and counsel me because they care about me, but also because my pain is uncomfortable to them–it does not fit well with their theology, worldview, or experience. It doesn’t fit well with my theology either, but I cannot lie about my experience in order to validate my theology. I do not know how this story ends. It is what it is today.
So we are sitting Saturday afternoon in our living room and see an ambulance go by (our street is three blocks long). I went outside and saw the EMT vehicle and two cop cars two doors down. The neighbor told me that the woman sitting on his door step had knocked on his door covered with blood and asked to be driven home. She had apparently walked through the woods after stabbing a man who pulled a gun on her in a house one street over. My guess is that she came from the trailer park that is off the main road one street over. This is so bizarre after the woman who was murdered 7 houses down! We have such a quiet middle class street!
(Have someone appointed to touch each appropriate area as different people read the blessing for that area)
FOREHEAD: May you have keen insights and think clearly. May your thoughts be kind and wise.
EARS : May you hear the affirmations of friends and family, and listen to the Voice of God telling you that you are loved.
EYES: May you see God’s grace in your life, and may you have the inner vision to see more clearly the path that is yours.
MOUTH: May you speak with love, be true to who you are, and make your needs known.
NOSE: As you take in air and let out air, may you be reminded of the cycle of life with its dying and rising, its emptying and filling. May your life come to peace with each phase.
HANDS: May you use your hands to touch all of life with reverence and gratitude, and may you receive the gentle touch of those who reach out to you.
SKIN: May you learn to protect your body’s natural boundaries, treat it well, and accept it’s limitations with grace.
HEART: May you develop awareness of what stirs deep within you, and remain open to love and grace that is offered to you.
FEET: As you travel through the many ups and downs of life, may all the places your feet take you lead you to greater transformation and inner freedom.
ALL: May the shelter of God embrace you.
May the dance of God play in you.
May the peace of God be with you. Amen.
Last night L’Arche Blue Ridge Mountains gave me a going away party. I have been working on and off for them the last month to help get things up to a good operating level for the new fellow taking charge. They are participating in lent with soup and bread on Tuesday nights, so it was a simple meal. They gave me a memory album of photos of L’Arche and prayed the L’Arche farewell blessing over me (which is really beautiful… I will have to get a copy and share it here). Another L’Arche assistant who has been there only a few months suddenly decided last week to quit, so they lumped his goodbye in with mine. I was not asked about this, and no one even told me this was going to happen, so when I saw what was happening, I felt resentful, expecting that my special time to connect nostalgically with my friends was being usurped. But it worked out well in the end. I may offer my services temporarily as an assistant (a direct care giver) since they are currently short-staffed. The director suggested that if the job for which I am applying does not work out, he might offer me a position as development director, which would not be my dream job, but would keep food on the table.
Our culture values earning an income and validates our personhood based on our employment. While I am between jobs, I can stay busy all day at home and still somehow feel devalued because I am not getting paid for whatever I am doing. Although I don’t theologically (intellectually) agree that my self worth is based on my accomplishments, my feelings are very slow to agree, and trying to bulk up my feeling of self worth by staying busy undercuts that growth. I spent my whole life trying to earn my worth by working hard (for God), and it is a slow, scary, complex process to get emotionally free of that web of deceit.
Here I am again in the same week! I don’t think anyone is reading this blog anymore, regardless, since I haven’t been posting for ages. I should write up something scandalous and see how long it takes everyone to crowd back in for a view. I was working on putting together a website today on the topic of grace, something I have wanted to do for a long time. The job I am applying for is wanting to create a website and would like their director to do that, so I thought I would give it a try. I created a Google website with their software, which is pretty basic and doesn’t allow for a lot of adjustment, but hey, it works and looks fine. Does anyone know a source for good web-design software for cheap or free?
So, it’s only been 1 1/2 months since my last blog entry. I’m rapidly increasing my posts! I’ve been more focused on facebook recently (under my unmarried name–Kent McQuilkin). I find many more folks connect with facebook, I think because it is more interactive, but I much prefer the blog world. Kimberly and I traveled to Wisconsin to my niece’s wedding and spent the night in or near Indianapolis both when coming and going to visit with each of Berly’s sisters. Thankfully the weather conditions held so that we made it up and back in good time. We took our dog, Mazie, with us, and she was thoroughly socialized with animals and people during the trip. The weather yesterday and today was absolutely delightful!
So I forgot I had a blog with Xanga until my wife reminded me today. It has been almost a year since my last post, a rough year. I finally resigned last week as I could get no resolution for my problems with the director. Everyone sees the problems, but no one will address them in any meaningful way. I will be working through February and then need to find another job.
In other news, my brother David came through town and spent the night with us. We will be seeing him and other family members next month at my niece’s wedding and again in June for another niece’s wedding. Perhaps now that I remember I have a blog, I will post more than once a year!
So, I was writing in my private blog and my wife reminded me that I have another blog. “I do? What is it called?” “Xanga.” “Wow, I didn’t even remember that I have another blog!” So it was almost a year ago that I posted here. Rough year. I finally resigned last week from the job that was eating me alive. I will be working through February, but in the meantime will need to find another job. Perhaps now that I remember I have a xanga blog, I may post more often than once a year!
What a beautiful snow we had yesterday! About 8 inches. I have only lived here a few years, but it seems pretty common for a good snow to be followed by blue skies the next day. The snow & sun converged with my day off, and the combination made me feel like I was on vacation. It was quite delightful. I love blue skies, even on really cold days. It is supposed to be up to the high 60s in a couple of days! Very different from Chicago.
I took a week off in February and traveled to Columbia for a week working on more research for my dissertation. It is coming along slowly… more slowly now because I have additional work at L’Arche. We have built a second house right next to the first one that will open up in a month. The present leader will be moving to the new house and the director asked me to head up the old house. I feel it is a role for which I am well suited, but the transition is going to be difficult, especially because I really struggle to relate in a healthy way to the present leader(s), and we have to cooperate regarding many things during the transition.
Blessings to all, janathan
Janathan Grace Reflections 