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Some folks can’t really get a picture of how I spend my day at L’Arche and have asked for more details. L’Arche is an international organization with over 130 communities around the world (a community usually consists of several homes in one city). The home I work in is large–it has eight bedrooms, four downstairs and four upstairs, along with 4 1/2 bathrooms. The dining room table seats 18, and at celebration dinners, we need to add a second table in the adjacent sunroom. We are currently building a second home next door. Both homes are fully accessible to those with physical disabilities.
The purpose of L’Arche is to bring together into community those with and without intellectual disabilities to honor, love, and assist one another. Those with disabilities we call ‘core members’ since they provide the basis or focus around which community is formed. Those of us providing direct support are called ‘assistants.’ We currently have 5 core members living in the house and 2 live-in assistants. The goal is to have 4 and 4 instead of 5 and 2, but being a new community it was financially difficult to manage at this point. In our current setup, we have 4 administrative-type people (like Kimberly) and 5 live-out assistants (like me) along with a handful of part-time folks. I think I get paid $9 an hour, but I’m not certain.
I’ll write a bit at a time so that those reading don’t get bogged down. For now that’s all.
Hi everyone (if anyone is still reading this blog!), it is not a good sign when the the current web page shows pictures from last winter! I have been very busy this summer working furiously on my doctoral dissertation to meet a do-or-die deadline imposed by the program director. I got the segment finished (about 100 pages, plus numerous revisions assigned by my mentoring professor). I have had a two week break as I wait for further revisions proposed by the whole committee. It was a very needed break and included a long weekend with Kimberly in Williamsburg, where we spent a day at Busch Gardens and a day at colonial Williamsburg. We are getting much better at having vacations without getting upset with each other for very long at a time. The problem with vacations is that we are faced with a whole load of unusual events, decisions, etc. which we do not face in normal life and so have not learned to negotiate (Do we relax or try to get everything in? Do we spend more money or less on entertainment? Do we choose things we both enjoy mildly or do we alternate between things one of us really likes and the other doesn’t or do we do things separately? Are there time constraints or not? ad infinitum). Just learning how to communicate clearly about things is a major step!
The founder of the organization I work in (L’Arche) has many ideas that resonate with me (when understood with the gentleness and grace with which it is offered). Here is one of them:
Over the years I have discovered four principles necessary for human growth and for good accompaniment-or mentoring of others The Principle of Reality is to embrace things as they really are, and not to be constantly angry with them but rather to see what is positive in them. Not to be attached to preconceived ideas, and especially not to prejudices and theories. To recognize in ourselves the blind spots and the defense mechanisms that stop us from seeing reality, and lead us to deny it. To love and live the present moment in the reality that is given.
– Jean Vanier, Our Journey Home, p. 158
The weather we’ve had lately is really beautiful. I’ve started biking regularly now that the weather is warmer. It has been almost a year (last spring) since I biked several times a week. I had a bout with gout in May, did a lot of traveling in the summer for our wedding receptions, and wasn’t motivated enough to bike in the cold. All the weight I lost last year before our wedding I picked back up (I can’t really maintain my weight without exercising), so I need to lose 40-50 pounds again. Last year I lost it too quickly and learned that sudden weight loss causes gout flare-ups… which is kind of weird because it used to be associated with obesity (and wealth!). I’ve been on gout medication since the summer, so that has kept the arthritis in check. For those who don’t know, I’ve struggled with this since grad school, though it wasn’t diagnosed until 15 years later. It mostly affects my knees and ankles, so really prevents biking when it hits me. I sound like an old geezer, don’t I? Well, I am!
I just got back from shopping at Walmart. When I was 10 feet into the parking lot with a grocery cart full of food, a heavy rain started. The sweat pants I bought for 5 bucks had a broken draw string, and as I was trying to hurry, they began slipping down my legs. Trying to navigate a grocery cart in a downpour with one hand while desperately tugging on my waistband from alternate sides quickly became too much for me, so 35 feet into the parking lot I suddenly stopped and headed back to the store.
Not wanting to crush delicate edibles, which I always put on top, I had stashed five 2 liter drinks in the bottom, and when I turned, they came tumbling out onto the pavement and rolled out of their bags. Having no other choice, I chased them down, grabbed them, and dumped them on top of the tomatoes and sandwich bread, and I wheeled back through traffic while snatching at my pants.
There was no way to know how long it would rain, so after a minute of hesitation, I left my cart under the eaves and started wandering the parking lot in the downpour looking for my car. On the way in to Walmart, I was listening to voicemail, so I didn’t notice where I had parked (I can’t multi-task). And as I was parking, the grocery-cart-collection-guy was occupying the spot I wanted, so I backed into the place opposite… unfortunately, the one identifying feature of my very nondescript honda accord is the bike rack I have on the back, which was now invisible.
I finally found my car, louded the sopping groceries, and headed home. 10 minutes later it stopped raining. With my amazing sense of timing I should go into stand-up.
A lot of the growth I have experienced this year has come in the pressure cooker of a new marriage. I thought we had worked through most of our issues while dating, but we discovered some very powerful new issues that dragged us through some painful and scary periods. Marriage is like new exercises that stretch muscles you never knew you had.
If you’ve picked up on how we relate, you know we never avoid issues, but face them squarely. It is much safer, easier, and more pleasant to find out what causes sparks and detour your relationship around those bumps and potholes, and perhaps for some folks and to some extent that is necessary, but it’s not our approach. If something hurts or frustrates or upsets me, I tell Berly what I feel. I try to share it in a way that does not blame her or make her responsible for my feelings. She does the same with me.
That goes well enough unless it connects with one of our significant issues, then we struggle for hours as we talk through our pain and fear. We both feel unfairly blamed and can barely stand to hear what the other one has to say. We each try to justify our position and defend ourselves against the strong voices of shame inside our own heads that distort all that we say to and hear from one another. We hate tension in relationships, and have often resolved conflicts by acquiescing to the shame others have attributed to our actions. To escape my own self-loathing, I have also often shamed others into admitting their fault. We both know this self-shaming approach to conflict resolution is ultimately harmful to each of us and our relationship. The answer is in grace, not in shame.
For the first hour of these tense discussions, we feel awful as we explain ourselves to each other and do our best to avoid blaming. We listen as best we can, try to lower our guards slowly, and offer sympathy and understanding as we are able. As we talk, our emotions go from red alert to orange to yellow. We can hear more sympathetically and speak more compassionately. After 4 or 5 hours of talking, we understand ourselves and each other at a new level. We recognize the source of our fears and shame and offer ourselves and one another grace. This particular emotional issue will never have the same degree of stress for either of us. We carry this newly discovered grace into similar conflicts in our other relationships as well.
Sometimes, for one reason or another, we can’t find our way into freedom and some tension will be carried from day to day between us as we make repeated efforts at reaching understanding and embracing grace. We always find a way through. We have made it over so much rough terrain since May with consistent grace offered that we feel much safer with each other and have found substantial healing from our fear and shame. We seem to be in a different place in our relationship. It feels to me like we have scaled the mountains and now only face foothills ahead, though I’m guessing we still have some mountains to face. Our relationship feels better, more stable, more safe, more deep, more supportive than it ever has.
May all of you find a new taste of grace in your life today,
J
My new schedule at work is an evening shift (3-11) followed by a 12 hour day (8a.m.-12 and 3-11). I get Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday off. So far I like the schedule. Lynchburg L’Arche is planning to open up a couple more homes, so I have talked to the director about becoming a home life coordinator (the person responsible for running of the home). I feel strongly about the need to develop community around the L’Arche philosophy, which the present coordinator doesn’t seem to be able to do. If I did take that role, it would probably be a year away. In the meantime I am learning so much about community and grace. It has been a tremendously stretching experience, and with Berly’s encouragement, I have grown personally this last year more than any other year of my life, I think.
More later,
Janathan
p.s. winter at our house
Kimberly and I went to South Carolina for the Christmas season (I actually had to work on Christmas, so we went the weekend before). My dad and I had breakfast together and I was able to ask him a lot of questions about his childhood. We had a good time. I gave all my family members a framed picture of me and Kimberly to update their family picture walls. We celebrated Christmas with my oldest sister, my dad and his wife, two cousins + daughter, Aunt and Uncle. I didn’t know who all would be there, but I always keep a box of gifts handy, so I took a selection along with wrapping paper.
My sister Mardi gave me and Kimberly two wonderful pictures of grace as a “Christening” gift for our new family name. We hung them over our bed. Mardi, could you send us a copy by email so we could post it for everyone to see?
For my birthday (January 23) Kimberly and I went to Mountain Lake Resort. It was really lovely. On the way there the weather swung a couple of times from a completely overcast snow fall to blue skies. It was weird. We got to the Resort with the snowflakes painting everything white, and the next day it was blue skies. Kimberly forgot her boots, so I went on a walk by myself in the beautiful, quiet, soft white and blue. I apparently left my mp3 player in the cabin since I haven’t been able to find it since.
I hope to write more consistently in my blog. I have to be in a good place emotionally to have energy to do it, and also I need the motivation. We’ll see how it goes.
Love to all,
Janathan
I have another blog that is completely private except for my wife and one other person close to me. I share my real heart issues there. Here I usually just post the external events of my life. I have recently been thinking of adding to the scope of this blog with more ruminations, but the idea that this blog is open to everyone on the face of the earth really feels intimidating. I don’t feel I can truly be myself or say freely what I think. I’ll have to ponder it. In the meantime I hope to do more with this blog than I have been doing.
Kimberly and I invited a core member and assistant from L’Arche to our home for Thanksgiving. The core member chose to go to another person’s home, so we had one guest. I cooked a turkey (which is going to last us two quite a while!), sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie… and made potatoes and stuffing from mixes (without even hiding the boxes!). I had bought a good-sized pumpkin for halloween, which we didn’t carve, so I cooked it for Thanksgiving. A LOT of puree. I took half of it to L’Arche for them to use. We used a pretty autumn tablecloth and napkins that my sister gave us.
I had to work in the afternoon, but enjoyed the midday with our guest. We’ve never had someone over for a holiday celebration, but it made things feel festive for me. My extracurricular remodeling and studies have been neglected for three weeks, and I’m trying not to let the potential guilt push me to live out of that motivation. Today feels okay to me… not stressed or sad. I hope I can keep in touch with my soul and live out of a place of health… a thankful spirit that springs from a pleasure for the good in my life rather than forced thanks to a demanding God who gives to us not from joy in our pleasure but to get repaid with eulogies.
Janathan Grace Reflections 